


We Used To Be Invincible

by BlackUnicorn



Series: The Art of Forgiveness [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But Non Graphic, Character Death, Childbirth, Death Eaters, Fights, First War with Voldemort, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Back Together, Hogwarts, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Marriage, Misguided Dumbledore, Misunderstandings, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Pining, Post-Break Up, Pregnant Lily Evans Potter, Protective James Potter, Regulus Black Lives, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Secrets, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Being an Idiot, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, The First Order, Violence, Werewolves, but like, james is a good friend, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-29 15:59:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8496373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackUnicorn/pseuds/BlackUnicorn
Summary: Sequel to 'Without Regrets'.They could have been happy. Everything could have been perfect but nothing is ever perfect and there is a war coming. The Marauders come to realise that growing up is the only way to survive and sometimes you have to lose something in order to find it again.





	1. Treating Barefoot On The Shards Of Your Broken Heart

**Sirius**

_“Moony, wait!” Sirius followed Remus outside and he was glad that the other boy stopped, although he did not turn around. Sirius bit his lower lip, I can do this, he told himself._

_“I’m not sorry about kissing you. I don’t think it was a mistake and I would do it again, if you let me.”_

_He felt naked, exposed, as he stood in the rain and looked at his friend’s back. Remus still gave no sign of turning around, Sirius stepped closer and closer until he was directly behind him._

_“Look at me, Moony,” he whispered._

_Finally, Remus moved. They stood there on the pavement, the rain pattering down on them and once again time seemed to stand still._

_Sirius could see every detail in Remus’ face, every eyelash, every pore. A single raindrop ran dawn his nose and stopped at his upper lip; Sirius raised his hand, unsure of what he was doing, and brushed it off. The raindrop was gone but his hand reminded. Remus didn’t pull away but Sirius could feel his heart beating faster; he stroked Remus’ cheek, his eyes fixed on Remus’ and slowly, very slowly, he moved his face closer Remus’, he could hear his own breath going fast, could feel his own heart rushing in his chest._

_Their lips met. It was a shy kiss, full of insecurities and fear but Remus didn’t push him back. Sirius’ could feel the other boy’s hands on his back, slowly pulling him closer. A wave of warmth rushed through his body, their kiss became more passionate, jet tender._

_Sirius pulled back. »Moony, I - «, but Remus placed a finger on his lips and shut him up._

_“Don’t talk. Not now.”_

_They kissed again, long and intense, and Sirius wished that they would never have to stop._

 

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”

Sirius startled awake.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”

James barged into the room. He was almost screaming, his face was red and his eyes wide.

“Sirius! Padfoot, mate. Oh my god. You won’t believe it…She said it. Yes. She said it! I can’t even…Oh. My. God,” James rambled.

Trying to get through to his friend, Sirius raised his voice, “What the hell, James? I just had a perfectly happy dream and now I can’t even remember what it was about because you –”

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! What do I do?”

“- and I don’t even know what in Merlin’s name you’re talking about –”

“- and I was just walking up to her, and I thought – ”

“- can’t just keep a man from his well-earned sleep – ”

“- didn’t even think she would answer at all – ”

“- going to rip your bloody tongue out – ”

“- then she said yes and – ”

“SHUT UP!”

Both, Sirius and James fell silent at once and looked over to Remus’ bed. The brunette looked rather tired like he had just woken up, which he probably had.

“Shut up,” he repeated and then left he dorm.

Sirius blinked and turned his head back to James who looked just as guilty as he felt.

“Sorry,” they both mumbled and then fell silent once again.

“So,” Sirius began, “Why exactly did you barge in here like you’ve lost your mind?”

James face lit up immediately and he got exited all over, “Lily! Lily, she was – and I asked – and she just – and then I, and –”

“Stop!” Sirius held up his hand, “Slow down. What the happened?”

“She said yes, Sirius,” James whispered, looking as if he was going to pass out any second now.

“What?”

“She said yes. We will go to Hogsmeade next weekend.” James beamed at his best friend and Sirius speechless.

“I – Wow…I –” he stuttered, “I don’t even know what to say…congratulations, mate. Really. Took her long enough,” he said eventually and he meant it. James really deserved it. He had been pining over Evans for so long now that it was almost ridiculous but he had never given up on her. James was still smiling, his eyes seemed glassy.

Suddenly, he jumped up, “Oh, I have to tell Remus. And Peter. And everyone else.”

And with that he left and Sirius was alone again. With a sigh he lay back down on his pillows. He was happy for his friend. He was. But he couldn’t help but feel a little sad as well. With James and Lily as a couple, one didn’t have to be an expert to know where James’ priorities would lie.

Sirius slowly turned his head to look at Remus’ empty bed. It had been almost two years since that fatal day. The day he had run away from his family. The day he and Remus had kissed in the rain. It had been a wonderful summer. Warm and perfect and he had been surrounded by his friends and he had had Remus.

Sirius closed his eyes.

 

_The sun was burning down on them._

_Sirius lay on the grass, Remus next to him. Close. So close._

_He sat up and looked at his friend (boyfriend?). Eyes closed. There was a faint smile on his lips. Every time Sirius looked at him, he was struck by how beautiful the other boy was. His skin was pale and rough. His hair shimmered in the sunlight. Carefully, Sirius leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the boy’s forehead. Remus opened his eyes._

_“Hey you,” Sirius whispered._

_“Hey you, back,” Remus smiled, “Don’t I get a real kiss?”_

_Sirius grinned and placed his lips on Remus’. It was sweet and loving and Sirius was terrified by how perfect it felt. Remus drew back, his brows furrowed._

_“Are you okay?”, he asked._

_“Yeah, just…this is nice.”_

_“It is.”_

_“What are we going to do next week? In school?”_

_“I don’t know,” Remus answered and Sirius could see it in his eyes, that he really didn’t. They had never really talked about it. About them. If it even was a ‘them’._

_“Okay,” Sirius muttered and kiss him again._

_“Oi you! Stop snogging and give us a hand here, will ya?” James called from inside the house. Sirius groaned and Remus rolled his eyes, sniggering._

_“Come on, then,” Remus said and got up._

_Together they walked down the lawn towards the door._

Sirius woke up again and this time he definitely remembered. He remembered everything. The perfection.

The fear.

The fights.

The pain.

It had been halfway through their sixth year, that things had begun to break apart.

Sirius had been so afraid of his own feelings that he had started to withdraw from his friends; especially from Remus. He had even started to sleep around again. They had never been an official couple and they had agreed that it would be okay to go out with other people but Sirius had still felt guilty whenever he had met someone. And he had still been burning with jealousy whenever he saw someone as much as talk to Remus. His Remus. His Moony.

But he had never said anything.

Had never done anything about it, and now? Now there was a distance between them. An invisible wall that Sirius was not able to go through. He didn’t even know what had happened. Neither did he know why it hurt so much. It was not like he had lost his friend. That could never happen. They could still do everything together like they had used to do. They still played pranks. They still snuck out to go to Hogsmeade and got drunk. They still spent the full moons together.

And yet…Sirius felt like he had lost something. Something inside of him, that he hadn’t even known existed until now. Until it was gone.

* * *

 

**Remus**

_Bloody Sirius._ Remus mused. _Bloody James. Never a peaceful second. Always loud and obnoxious and beautiful and – What?!_

Remus groaned. Sometimes he really hated himself for the thoughts he had.

At the lake, he slowed down. He was exhausted and his whole body ached. The full moon had been two nights ago but he was still sore.

“Moony!” a familiar voice called after him. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning around; a very exited James came running towards him.

“Yes, James?”

“Sorry about before,” James said and Remus shrugged. There was no point in complaining. “It’s just, you won’t believe it. I had to tell you at once. Couldn’t wait. It’s happened, Moony! She said yes. Lily said yes!”

Remus eyes widened. Every last bit of anger that might have been there was gone. That was wonderful, Absolutely terrific.

“Merlin. That are splendid news. Congratulations. It had to happen eventually, especially with you being Head Boy now…” he smiled at his friend. James was in total bliss and Remus was happy for him. Of course he had known that Lily’s feeling hadn’t been anywhere near as negative as she had always said. And James had really changed over the summer. He had become more responsible and even stopped to think once or twice before doing something.

Not like Sirius.

 _Sirius_. Remus winced slightly. _Let’s not go there._

James had started talking about Lily again and was completely oblivious to his surroundings, “- and her smile. Have you seen her smile? Like a sweet breeze on a hot summer’s day and she always smells like flowers and the ocean and her eyes are so wonderfully, so perfectly pretty, and –” Remus simply smiled and nodded. Of course he already knew of all the things that Lily Evans was. He had been listening to James’ infatuation since he had been eleven.

He tried to think of his two friends, tried to imagine their future and just be happy but, like always, his mind betrayed him.

 _Sirius_.

It was like running circles, sooner or later he always ended up thinking about his other best mate. Everything seemed fine if you looked at it from a safe distance. And even from closer up it was almost impossible to see what could possibly be wrong but Remus was standing in the very centre. He wouldn’t even have to see it; he knew.

_“What are we doing?” Remus asked as the rain poured down on them. Sirius was right there. Right in front of him._

_“I’ve no idea,” Sirius whispered and kissed him again, “Let’s just - let’s just not think about it too much.”_

_And they kissed again and again and again and Remus could feel himself shivering. He didn’t know if it was because of the rain or the bursting happiness in his chest or the fear that was also there, trying to take control. He was kissing Sirius. Sirius Black. His best friend. Sirius drew back once again, “Stop that,” he said in a gently tone._

_“What?” Remus asked puzzled. He wasn’t aware that he had been doing anything._

_“Analysing this. Just go with it. You always tend to overthink things. Don’t.”_

 

“Remus?”

Remus blinked. James looked at him, frowning, “You okay, pal?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. You had a good reason.”

“Maybe you should go and try to sleep for a few more hours.”

“Maybe I should.”

“I could tell Pads to come with me if that would make you feel better.”

“James, I –” Remus began but then realized he had no idea what to say. There was nothing left to say.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it, just…I’m still here, you now. I might spend some time with Lily in the future but that doesn’t change that we are still the Marauders and we stick together.”

“I know.”

James smiled at him and together they walked back to the castle.

 

_“Sirius?”_

_“Huh?”_

_Remus turned around to look at the other boy. They were both naked and sweaty, lying on Sirius’ bed, breathing. Being._

_Remus lost himself in those stormy, grey eyes. Those eyes that could never seem to lie to him. Those eyes that meant the world to him._

_“What is it, Moony?” Sirius asked, stroking his cheek and Remus realized that he still hadn’t spoken._

_“Nothing, just…” he trailed off, unable to find the words he was longing to say. Instead he did the only think that seemed remotely suitable for the situation and kissed him. Sirius looked slightly confused but kissed him back. “There’s something you should know,” Remus continued, once they had parted for air. Sirius stayed silent. Waiting. “I should have told you before but I just couldn’t. This…this is really, really nice. Perfect, even, but…we can never have sex, you know. real sex, I mean,” he added, because Sirius had opened his mouth to say something. “We can’t have real sex, because I’m a werewolf and the thing with werewolves is – what?”_

_“I know, Moony. I know.”_

_“Know, what?”_

_“Werewolves mate for life. That’s what you wanted to tell me, isn’t it?”_

_Remus nodded and Sirius smiled. It was a loving smile, calming._

_“When we found out about you, I read every book there was on werewolves. How do you think we knew that you wouldn’t be dangerous for us as animals? I know all that and I understand.”_

_And once again, Remus was speechless. He had no idea how Sirius always managed to make him feel like that. Why did he have to be so understanding? Wouldn’t it be easier if they just stopped now? Now, before it was too late? Before they got into it too deep?_

_“Thank you,” he muttered before falling asleep in Sirius’ arms_


	2. Living In A Broken Home Of Hopes And Dreams

**Sirius**

It was late already. The common room was empty, Remus, James and Peter were fast asleep, while Sirius sneaked out of the portrait hole, wrapped into James’ Invisibility Cloak, his wand clutched in one hand, the Map in the other. Carefully he made his way down to the kitchen but then stopped, frowning, his eyes fixed on the Map. There in one corner of the dungeons were seven little spots and amongst them, Severus Snape and – Sirius heart stopped for a second – Regulus Black.

Sirius starred at his brother’s name and before he knew what he was doing, his feet carried him further down the stairs. Down, down, down and then suddenly he stood right in front of a closed door and there were soft voices coming from inside the room.

“That is suicide! We can’t just openly marge through the school. Not with Dumbledore as headmaster and not with all the children around. What do you think is going to happen? There’re going to be fights, that’s what and I’m certainly not going to hurt innocent children.” That was his brother’s voice.

“Or maybe you should re – evaluate your priorities, Black,” said another boy. Sirius checked the Map, that must have been Mulciber or Avery, ”Your care for the, what did call them? ‘Innocent children’? It’s touching, really, but –”

“That’s enough, Mulciber,” Snape said. Sirius narrowed his eyes, his blood boiling in his veins, “Regulus has a point. We can’t just show our faces. Not now. The Dark Lord has plans and we would do good, not to cross them.”

“We wouldn’t be crossing them; we would merely help him to achieve –,”

“An even greater number of enemies,” Severus ended the sentence. His voice was cool and contemptuous, “You are a fool if you think it could work. I say, we do nothing, yet, but wait. The time will come that we can act, but it is not now.”

“For Merlin’s sake! You’re all cowards, that’s what you are. Let’s go. I’m done here,” Mulciber declared,  footsteps approaching the door, and Sirius only had a second to jump backwards and press himself against the wall. Mulciber and Avery left the room, followed by the Carrows and Barty Crouch Jr.. Sirius waited for Regulus to come out but he remained inside the room with Snape.

“I don’t have a good feeling with this, Severus. What if we’re doing a mistake?” Regulus whispered.

“Don’t even think about that, Regulus. You made your choice, you have to stand by it now.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe anymore. Never. The Dark Lord is right, if we don’t act soon it well be too late. If we don’t fight and claim our rights as purebloods – my point is, that I don’t think we should force it. We shouldn’t have to. I don’t like the idea of hurting children, even if they’re Mudbloods. They’re still children. Come on, Severus. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel the same. What about that Evans girl? Would you want to hurt her?”

“Leave Lily out of this.” Snape’s voice was low and threatening but Regulus didn’t back away.

“It’s not me that you should tell that, Severus. I’m trying to be your friend here. You want to protect Lily, I get that, you love her or whatever. It’s none of my business. I, too, have people in this school that I don’t want to see dead.”

Snape shot Regulus a calculating look before spitting out, “Black.”

Regulus frowned, “That’s my name too, you know. And referring to my mother I am now their only son, however, I disagree. He’s still my brother and he did a lot for me.”

Sirius stood outside the room, eyes wide, his body shaking.

He had no idea how he had managed to return to the common room unnoticed but suddenly he found himself back in his bed, still unable to sleep.

 _Regulus_.

His little brother was a Death Eater, they planned to attack the school, and Regulus wanted to protect him. Him, Sirius. They hadn’t spoken to each other in almost a year but Regulus still wanted to protect him.

Sirius felt tears rolling down his cheeks as he wrapped the blanket tighter around his body, thinking of the last conversation he had had with Regulus.

 

_It was Halloween and Sirius made his way down to the Great Hall to join his friends. He had just rounded a corner when he suddenly found himself face to face with his little brother. They stared at each other for a moment, before stepping back a bit._

_“Regulus.”_

_“Sirius.”_

_They fell into an uncomfortable silence, neither of them sure what to say or do._

_“Look I –” Regulus burst out just as Sirius said, “Listen –”._

_They both fell silent again, each waiting for the other to speak._

_Eventually, Sirius cleared his throat, “Listen,” he began, “I’m sorry I left you behind.”_

_Regulus blinked. “It’s fine, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave anyway. They’re our family Sirius, even if you don’t like it.”_

_“Oh I’m sure dear old mother agrees with me for once in her life,” Sirius replied bitterly and Regulus gave him a sad look._

_“She, er –” the younger boy hesitated, “She’s thinking about disowning you.”_

_“Is she, now? Well, tell her to go ahead. I couldn’t care less.”_

_Regulus nodded, apparently he hadn’t expected anything else._

_“I’m sorry, too. About everything,” he finally said and then suddenly there were arms wrapped around Sirius, pulling him into a hug, but before the older boy could react, Regulus had already pushed him back again and turned to walk away._

* * *

 

**Remus**

Sirius was behaving strange. Or at least stranger than usual. Remus hadn’t really noticed it at first but he was sure now.

It had started a few weeks ago, about the same time James had started dating Lily. Sirius was unusually quiet and a quiet Sirius was always a bad sign.

He stayed out late without telling anyone where he was going, he often took the Map and the Cloak with him, which drove James insane. He also did even less school work than normally and Remus was worried. Sirius was his best friend and something was off. For a short of time he had considered the possibility that Sirius might have found a boyfriend but that was highly unlikely. Sirius didn’t do relationships and even if there was someone, he wouldn’t make such a secret out of it.

No, there was something else and Remus was determined to find out what…out of purely platonic reasons, of course.

“Hey Pads,” he said as he sat down next to Sirius in Transfiguration.

“Hey Moony.” Sirius smiled at him and Remus had almost missed the short flash of _something_ in his eyes. Almost. It had been there, Remus was sure.

“Everything okay?”

“Exceedingly my friend, exceedingly. What about you? You seemed a bit distracted this morning.”

“You know I’m not a morning person.”

“That, you are truly not.”

Professor McGonagall entered the room and the two boys fell silent.

It was true. Remus had been ‘distracted’ this morning, he had been distracted with watching Sirius without making it obvious that he had done so. The result had been sobering, if not to say, disappointing. He hadn’t noticed much out of the ordinary about Sirius behaviour except the already known things and maybe that he looked a little bit sadder and even more tired. Sirius had also kept throwing glances at the Slytherin table but that wasn’t too surprising, whenever Sirius was bored or in a bad mood he looked for a reason to pick a fight with one of them, preferably Snape.

After the lesson Remus left for lunch, only to notice that, when he arrived in the Great Hall, he was alone. Frowning, Remus sat down and turned to James, “Do you know where Sirius is? He was behind me and now he’s gone.” James shook his head and his eyes narrowed. “What?” Remus asked.

“He’s taken my Cloak and the Map. Again,” James muttered grumpily.

“Oh.”

“You really don’t know what he’s up to?”

“No idea,” Remus said and started eating his soup. In that moment Peter and Lily came in to sit down beside them.

“Oi Peter, you’ve seen Sirius?” James asked immediately but Peter, too, shook his head.

“Black?” Lily asked. She and Sirius still couldn’t really stand each other although she and James had been dating for weeks now, “I’ve just seen him in the library.”

Remus frowned. _Sirius in the library? What is he doing there?_

“I, er…I think I left my book behind. I’ll go, get it.”

He walked out of the Great Hall well aware that his excuse had been weak at best and pathetic at worst and that James would have no problem at all to see through it but he didn’t really care. Remus hurried down the halls, towards the library which was almost empty now because all the students were having lunch. Carefully, Remus moved through the rows of bookshelves until he spotted a very familiar back of a head, with flowing, shiny black hair.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

_Meet me in the library during lunch._

_S._

 

The message had been clear. Only a few words, no signature, in case someone else read it too. Sirius stood behind a bookshelf, which wouldn’t even be necessary since he also had the Cloak. His eyes were fixed on the Map. Would he come? And if he did, what would he tell him?

With a growing feeling of anxiety he watched the little spot moving closer and closer and closer and –

“Regulus.” Sirius quickly cramming the Cloak into his bag.

“What do you want? Why this secrecy?” Regulus asked. He looked insecure, scared even, or maybe he had just started hating Sirius after all and this was a complete waste of time.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Sirius explained. Regulus frowned but said nothing, “Reg, I’m worried. I don’t want to accuse you of anything, I really don’t, but I know that you’ve been spening a lot of time with people that are known to be Death Eaters and…I know that you’re old enough to make your own decisions and I’m really in no place to tell you what to do but I’m worried and I wanted to ask you to be careful. I might not be a Black anymore but I’m still your big brother and I’m supposed to look out for you.”

Regulus said nothing for a moment, just staring at Sirius, before his mask broke, his expression twisting into anger. “What do you want from me, Sirius? Why now? It’s a bit fucking late for playing the concerned big brother, don’t you think? You never cared before and now it’s too late.”

“Don’t say that –”

“Why not? It’s the truth. I made my decision. I can’t go back. Just like you made yours.”

Sirius swallowed. _This_ was what he had been afraid of. That Regulus would simply turn the tables, because he was right. Sirius really couldn’t talk. After all, it had been him that had left in the first place, not Regulus.

“I’m so sorry, Reg. If I could change things, I would. I would protect you. I would take you with me.”

“But that’s just it, Sirius. I wouldn’t have wanted to go with you. I’ve already told you. They’re my family and I love them.”

“But don’t you see how sick all that is?”

“Is it, though? Think about it, Sirius. The wizarding world has no future if we go on like this. We need to keep to ourselves to maintain our heritage. The Dark Lord is the only one at the moment who sees clearly, but it won’t stay like that forever. There are a lot of people who start realizing that he is right and they will join him. You and your friends will be fighting a losing battle. I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t, but I’m going to have to, if you don’t start to see reason. Join us, Sirius. Join us and I promise you that together we can try to keep your friends save. Potter is a pureblood, there’s no need for him to get hurt. Evans, the Mudblood, doesn’t have to get hurt either if she’s clever and your little werewolf friend, well, I don’t know about him but we can find a way. We –”

Sirius fist flew through the air and hit his brother’s jaw. Sirius was absently aware that he had been crying. His hand hurt but that was nothing against the pain deep in his heart. The dull ache, taking over his body. His mind.

_I’ve lost him._

Regulus looked at him, slightly shocked.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said and turned around, he wanted to leave, wanted to get away from all this and never look back. Sirius froze. There, at the end of the row, stood Remus, wide eyed and pale. Slowly he approached Sirius and lay an arm around his shoulders.

“Come on. Let’s get you out of here.”

“Sirius?” Regulus voice sounded weak. Hesitant. The two Gryffindors stopped but didn’t turn around. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for everything that’s going to happen from now on.”

* * *

  **Remus**

 

_“Sirius?”_

_The other boy did not answer. He just sat there at the edge of the roof, legs dangling in the air._

_“Sirius, please, what is it? You’re scaring me.”_

_He still didn’t say anything but raised his hand in which he held pieces of parchment. Remus stepped closer and sat down next to Sirius, careful not to look down, and took the pieces. It was a letter. Remus could only decipher random words but those were enough to tell him that it wasn’t a nice letter._

_“From my dear old mother,” Sirius explained and took the remains of the letter back, only to throw them into the depth. Remus watched as the paper was slowly carries away by the wind. “I’m now officially disowned and no longer a member of the Black family.” His voice was bitter and his eyes scornful._

_Remus hesitated but then slung his arm around Sirius’ shoulders, uncertain of what to say. If there even_ was _something to say._

_“I hate them. The bloody lot of them. Evil, sick fanatics. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them,” Sirius spat out but there were tears in his eyes and his body was trembling._

_Remus tightened his grip and whispered, “I know you do. I know. It’s still okay to be upset, though. You’re allowed to be upset. They used to be your family. You used to live with them and they were a big part of your life, no matter how horrible.”_

_Sirius turned his head and looked him in the eyes, “How do you do that?” he asked._

_“Do what?”_

_“You always know what to say.”_

_Remus shrugged, “Lucky guess?” he suggested._

_“Bollocks.” Sirius shook his head. “You know me too well Remus Lupin,” he whispered before kissing him._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“What does it look like?”_

_“Can’t we just – can’t we just get off the roof? You know I don’t like heights.”_

_“Of course. I’m sorry,” Sirius said and jumped to his feet. They went to their dorm and sat down on Sirius’ bed._

_“They know,” Sirius suddenly muttered after a long moment of silence._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“They know about you. I don’t know how but in that letter…she said that she knew you’re a werewolf and that I should watch it or else she would tell everyone.”_

_Every single muscle in Remus’ body tensed. He felt sick. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t –_

_»Remus. Remus, listen to me.” Sirius soft, smooth voice broke through his train of thoughts, “I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? I won’t. Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out. She can’t do anything right now anyway and I will make sure that it stays that way.”_

_“How? How could you possibly do that?”_

_And there it was again; that wicked, mischievous smile. That smile that said ‘You have no idea what I’m capable of’, and he hadn’t. Even after six years, Remus was still not prepared for all the things Sirius could do._

_“Trust me.”_

_“I do.”_

_And he meant it._

Again, they sat on Sirius’ bed in silence.

Again, Remus was uncertain of what to say.

Again, Remus was uncertain if there even was something to say.

Would it even make a difference? He supposed not.

Regulus was a Death Eater. He would have to fight against Sirius someday. The most shocking thing was, that it wasn’t shocking at all. Not really. It seemed to Remus, like thing had been working up to this point for a long time now.

“Sirius –”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t, what?”

“Don’t say anything about it, please. I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry, I don’t want to hear that it’s going to be fine. I don’t want to hear that there will be another way. I just don’t want to bloody think about all this. I just want to forget.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything about it. I wanted to ask you something.”

“Oh.”

“It’s alright.”

“What did you want to ask?”

“Last year…how did you make your mother keep quiet about me?”

Sirius laughed. Dark and wryly. “Oh, she might have chucked me out and erased me from the family tree but she forgot that it was still her that raised me. In some ways I’m still a Black. I didn’t live in that house for 16 years for nothing. I know everything about the House Black. I reminded her that she would have to do something for me as well, if she wanted me to keep quiet about all those dirty, little secrets.”

“You used blackmail to fight blackmail.”

“I did. Didn’t expect that, the bloody bitch. Me. The black sheep of the family.”

“I think you’re more like a black dog,” Remus whispered.

Sirius blinked. He stared at Remus for a second or two and then started laughing, “Oh my – that was terrible, Moony. I thought I’m the only one to make jokes like that.”

Remus smiled and shrugged, “You’re a bad influence.”

Sirius snorted but stayed silent.

“Thank you,” Remus finally said.

“I told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. Not ever.”

Remus looked at Sirius thoughtfully. This was one of those moments in which he really couldn’t deal with Sirius. When he was open and close and honest and didn’t hide behind a layer of masks and walls.

“I would do it again, Remus.”

And then he kissed him and Remus knew he should pull back. He knew he should say ‘no’ and walk away. He raised his hand and –

\- pulled Sirius closer.

Remus tongue thrust into Sirius mouth, his teeth scraping over his libs.

“Fuck.” Remus pulled back enough to suck in a sharp breath. “We shouldn’t – We really shouldn’t do this.”

Sirius nodded, “No. No, you’re right we shouldn’t. It’s a mistake,” he muttered right before crashing their mouth back together and Remus stopped thinking.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

The door opened and just then, Sirius realized that,

  1. He was naked;
  2. Remus lay next to him just as naked and
  3. The curtains of the bed were not closed.



“Oh my fucking – I was _so_ not ready to see that. Merlin’s holy socks,” James rambled and covered his eyes with his hand.

“Sorry Prongs,” Sirius said and quickly pulled the blanket closer to maybe safe the last of their dignity. Next to him, Remus was blushing furiously and doing his best to avoid Sirius’ eyes, while James busied himself with digging through his trunk.

“I need to use the loo,” Remus mumbled and quickly got dressed before leaving the room. The second he was gone, James swivelled around, his eyes narrowed at his friend, “So?”

“So, what?” Sirius shot back, even though he knew exactly ‘what’.

“’So what’? ‘ _So what’_?” James raised his voice, “What the ever – loving _fuck_ do you think you’re doing?”

“I don’t know, alright? It just happened. It didn’t mean anything,” Sirius tried to defend himself.

“Urgh,” James groaned in frustration and took off his glasses run a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose, “You are such a - I don’t even have the words for it.” James shook his head, “You’re my best mate but sometimes I have absolutely no fucking idea how I can put up with you. It just happened? _Really_? Like you didn’t know what you were doing? Both of you? It didn’t mean anything? Are you really that stupid?”

“James – ”

“No, you listen to me –”

“Prongs – ”

“Don’t you fucking ‘Prongs’ me right now!” James shouted, “You listen to me. I have always stayed out of it. Always. I could tell you so much about what I’ve been thinking but I won’t because it’s none of my business what you two are doing in bed but I will _not_ just sit back and watch our friendship go down. I will _not_ let the Marauders fall apart just because you two can’t keep in in your trousers!”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered and he was. He was sorry. He was sorry about everything. “It’s just…I was upset and he was there and I missed him.”

“Then why did you ever stop?” James asked almost frantically.

Sirius shrugged. He couldn’t say it. Couldn’t even think about it.

“It was for the best,” he said and if he just kept saying it often enough it might one day be true. James looked doubtful but didn’t ask any further.

“It’s Reg.” said Sirius eventually, “I’ve spoken to him earlier and…and…” Sirius closed his eyes taking a deep breath. He wouldn’t cry. Not now. Not again. “He’s been spending a lot of time with that bunch of Death Eaters and he practically told me that he joined them. That he joined Voldemort because he believes in what he’s doing and he wanted me to join him too. He said…he said if I did. If I joined them. I could keep you all safe. I punched him.”

Sirius’ eyes had been fixed on the floor the whole time and he hadn’t noticed how James had stepped closer and was now sitting next to him on the bed.

“Shit.”

Sirius looked up at his friend who looked just as helpless as Sirius felt.

“I’m –”

“Don’t,” Sirius interrupted, “Don’t say you’re sorry. I know you are, I’m sorry too. Remus is sorry, we’re all feeling fucking sorry but that doesn’t change a bloody thing, does it? It doesn’t make it better and certainly doesn’t bring me back my little brother. I’ve lost him James. I’ve lost Reg and it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault. Why would you –”

“It _is_ , though. If I had been there…If I had been a better brother he wouldn’t have wanted to join them. If I had protected him he would have come with me when I left. I betrayed him by leaving him behind. _I_ drove him to this!”

“Now that is bullshit and you know it! He’s old enough to make his own decisions and there’s nothing you could have done. Blame your parents if you like but don’t blame yourself.”

Sirius opened his mouth to say something but James interrupted him, “Don’t,” he finished and gave Sirius a tight hug.

 

_“Trust me.”_

_“I do.”_

_They lay side by side in Sirius’ bed and it was frightening how good it felt. Just lying there, not thinking about his poor excuse of a family or his brother or what he was going to do at the end of seventh wear. He still had time for that. They were just halfway through their sixth year and he still had time for that and right now all that mattered was that Remus lay next to him and that things were going to be okay._

_“Padfoot?”_

_“Moony?”_

_“What are we?”_

_“What d’you mean?”_

_“You know what I mean.”_

_And Sirius did._

_“I can’t tell you. Is it important?”_

_“Maybe. I was just wondering…” Remus trailed off and Sirius frowned at the ceiling. That was just like his Moony, always thinking._

_“Well…” Sirius began, “What do you want us to be?”_

_“I don’t know,” Remus answered, his voice earnest, confused, scared,.” I’m not gay, you know. I can’t be.”_

_“Why not?” Sirius asked confused. He had never thought that that might be an issue for Remus because after all, he had never had a problem with Sirius before._

_“I’m already a werewolf. I can’t be…_ that _as well.”_

_Sirius blinked. The werewolf – thing had completely slipped his mind. Why would it be so bad to be both? He didn’t know._

_“Padfoot?”_

_“Moony?”_

_“Say something.”_

_“I don’t know what to say. If you’re gay, you’re gay and if you’re not, you’re not. It’s none of my business. But…maybe…I mean…it’s just a bit of fun for now, isn’t it? Us. Maybe you should go on a date…maybe you’ll figure out who you are. If you want to, that is. «_

_“Huh. Maybe. «  
_

* * *

 

**Remus**

In hindsight, Remus thought, he had been really, really, _really,_ stupid. He should have never agreed to Sirius’ idea of him going on dates while also having that… _thing…_ with Sirius. And he certainly should not have kissed him again after months and months. Now, he couldn’t forget it anymore.  Remus had no illusions of what it had been. What it had been to Sirius. He had been upset and Remus had been there to comfort him. Period. They were friends, nothing more. They had been naive to think that they could ever be more, in the first place.

 

_“And? How did it go?” Sirius asked without looking at him._

_“Okay.”_

_“Wow. Someone sounds excited.”_

_“Wow. Someone sounds sarcastic.”_

_“Touché.”_

_Remus sat down on the sofa in front of the fire place and looked at Sirius who was still staring into the flames._

_“What is it?” he asked because it had to be something since Sirius was quiet. Very quiet._

_“Nothing.”_

_“Is it Regulus again? Or your mother? Or – ”_

_“It’s nothing, Remus,” Sirius repeated and Remus gave up. There was no point in pushing._

_They sat in silence and Remus couldn’t help but notice the distance between them._

_“Come here,” he said. Sirius looked up and, for the first time, met his eyes. He seemed to think for a moment but then got up and sat down next to Remus, resting his head against the taller boy’s shoulder._

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

 _Déjà vu,_ Remus thought.

He and Sirius sat in the Common Room in front of the fire place and Sirius seemed to be sulking. Or thinking. Or both.

Remus sighed.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. After that one time where they had both forgotten themselves they had been rather careful around each other. Remus did his best to avoid being alone with Sirius but Sirius didn’t even seem to notice.

“Fine then,” said Remus and got up. He was tired of all this. “I’m in the library.”

He took his bag, leaving Sirius alone with his mind.

In the library, he met Lily. They hadn’t spoken properly in weeks now because she spent a lot of time with James.

“Hey,” he greeted her and sat down at the table.

“Hello Remus,” she said and smiled at her parchment she was currently writing on. Remus, too, pulled out his quill and a roll of parchment and began writing an essay for Charms that was due on Monday. When he had finished, he found Lily looking at him.

“What?” he asked.

“Something’s bothering you.” It wasn’t a question.

Remus began chewing on his lips. He wanted to talk to Lily he really did but he also didn’t want to bother anyone with his problems.

“Come on, Remus. I know you.”

“It’s Sirius.”

Lily’s face immediately changed. She narrowed her eyes and blew up her nostrils. “What has he done now?”

“He didn’t do anything. It was my fault, mostly.”

“I doubt that,” she said, her eyes glaring.

“He’s not a bad guy, Lily. He isn’t. He’s just a bit…careless sometimes. He doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions or when he does he doesn’t care.”

“So he did do something.”

“It wasn’t him exclusively,” Remus said defensively and Lily raised an eyebrow, “He was upset and I tried to cheer him up and then…we kind of…ended up in his bed.”

Lily groaned, “Remus!”

“What? I said it was my fault, too.”

Lily looked incredulously at her friend, “After all that’s happened between you?”

“I know, Lily. Believe me, I know. It was a stupid mistake and I should have known better but that’s just it. I do know better and I still did it and I would probably do it again. He’s just so –” Remus sighed, “The thing is, one moment he’s my best mate and just my best mate and we joke around and talk, and the next moment he gets really quiet and defensive and wouldn’t let me anywhere near him, and _then_ there are those moments where he gets really sweet and starts saying all those nice things while hugging me and kissing me and…I don’t know what to do and it’s doing my head in.” He looked up at Lily who looked like she couldn’t decide whether she should laugh or cry.

“You really care about him, don’t you?” she asked eventually.

“You have no idea.”

“You know. I think what you need is a relationship. Someone like Sirius but without the drama.”

“Please, Lily, don’t. That is really not what I need and certainly not what I want. I don’t even know what I want, but it’s definitely not a relationship.”

“Oh.” Lily seemed disappointed. “Alright.”

 

_He just came back from one of those ridiculous dates that Sirius kept setting up for him. He should probably be grateful. The people Sirius chose were always perfect. Boys and girls alike. But there was always something missing. Remus found himself comparing them to Sirius and there was always something that didn’t fit._

_Mary was incredibly clever but she had not understood any of his jokes._

_Anna’s only interest, it had seemed, was Ancient Runes._

_Bobby had been shy and sweet and bought him chocolate but he was so quiet._

_Rick was too childish._

_Kate too clingy._

_And Andrew too narcissistic._

They are not Sirius, _Remus thought._

_He opened the door to their dorm and stopped dead. Sirius’ curtains were closed but the sounds from behind the cloths were explicit._

_“Oh fuck. Yes, right there!”_

_“Sirius!”_

_Remus forced his body to move. He closed the door and his eyes, trying to breathe. He felt sick and cold and his hands were shaking. Suddenly, Remus found himself in the bathroom, bend over the toilet._

Don’t think about it.

Don’t think about it.

Don’t think about it.

Don’t think about it.

_They were not a couple. It was just a bit of fun. It didn’t mean anything. Everything was fine._

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Remus was gone and Sirius felt guilty. It was not Remus’ fault.

He starred once again at the letter he had received a few hours ago.

 

_Dear Mister Black,_

_as the lawyer and a close friend of your uncle, Mister Alphard Black, I am truly sorry to bring you message of his passing. As he has always told me, he was very fond of you as his nephew and has therefore made you his heir. You will be the first one to receive this message but I will send letters to his remaining family and his friends soon._

_Referring to your uncle’s will, he has left you most of his fortune, as well as most of his belongings and a flat in London. Your cousin Andromeda Tonks (née Black) and your brother Regulus have also been named in Mister Alphard Black’s will._

_Please contact me to arrange the details of funeral, which will be held on Friday._

_I offer you my sincere condolences._

_Martin Gording_

“Sirius?” someone asked but Sirius ignored it.

“Hey, Padfoot. Mate,” a second voice said.

“Sirius, you okay?”

“Of course he’s not okay Peter. Does this look okay to you?” the second voice snapped, which seemed to belong to James. “Hey, Pads, come on. Let’s get you upstairs.”

James lifted Sirius to his feet to drag him out of the Common Room towards their dorm. Sirius complied, unable to do anything, let alone speak. He felt numb. Alphard had been nice. He had liked Alphard.

In the dorm, James let Sirius drop on his bed and took the letter from Sirius’ hand.

“Oh,” James said, after he had read the letter, “Shit, mate, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius just nodded. He still didn’t trust his voice.

The door opened again and Remus came in. He stopped and looked slightly confused at his three friends.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

Wordlessly, James handed him the letter and Remus began reading.

“Oh.” he, too, said, “I’m –”

“- Sorry, yeah,” Sirius snapped. He was angry. He didn’t even know why he was angry or of what but he really didn’t have the nerves to hear how sorry everyone was. Again.

Remus looked at his friend, his face unreadable, “Yes Sirius, I am. I am sorry. Take it or leave it.” And with that he left again.

“Alright,” James muttered, “I’m not even going to ask.”

Sirius snorted. _This is fucking brilliant._ He thought bitterly, shaking his head.

“Look. Why don’t we all go into Hogsmeade tonight? Get our minds off all this mess for a bit?” James suggested and Sirius nodded. Getting smashed, really sounded like a spectacular idea right know.

* * *

 

**Remus**

 

Remus had gone to the dorm to apologize to Sirius for walking out on him earlier. Then he had walked out on him again. Now there were two things he had to apologize for.

_Great…_

He thought of Sirius’ uncle. Alphard Black had been a nice man. He had been living alone, in a mansion somewhere at the coast and he had sent a big package of very expensive chocolate every year for Christmas. Remus had met him a few times and if he hadn’t known that that man was a Black, he would not have believed it. He was – had been – very much like Sirius in a way, but at the same time totally different. Remus almost missed him although he had not known him properly. Not the way Sirius had.

 _Here we go again,_ he thought. It all came back to Sirius in the end.

“There you are.”

Remus turned around and saw James.

“I was trying to read in peace,” Remus mumbled and James frowned.

“Of course.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm. “Are coming with us to Hogsmeade tonight? «

“What have you planned?”

“Having fun.”

“Fun as in ‘getting royally, monumentally fucked’?” Remus asked, using the words Sirius always used to describe his drinking sessions.

James grinned, »That’s the one. So? Are you in?”

“Well, someone needs to keep an eye on lot…”

“I knew I could count on you.”

Remus said nothing. He didn’t like the idea of sneaking out to get drunk on a Wednesday night but then again, this was a special occasion and he had meant it when he had said that someone should be there to stay at least sober enough to prevent any major catastrophes.

 

A few hours later, the Marauders sat in the corner of the Thee Broomsticks, downing one Firewhisky after another; at least that’s what Sirius and James did. Peter went along with it because he did everything that James did and Remus tried to make this at least a bit more bearable but he had drunken the least so far.

“An’ then he said that she could screw ‘erself and jus’ walked out. Just walked out,” Sirius slurred. He had been telling them stories about his uncle which seemed to make him feel at least a little bit better.

“Good man, your uncle was,” James mumbled and Sirius nodded. “Always sent us chocolate.”

“Moony likes chocolate,” Sirius suddenly said and Remus almost choked on his water he was currently drinking, “Chocolate and hot tea.”

Remus starred at Sirius who seemed to have forgotten that Remus was actually sitting at their table. Peter wasn’t listening at all but had his eyes fixed on a group of girls at the bar and James chuckled amused.

“’xcuse me,” Remus said and got up to go to the bathroom. He was drunk too, but not as drunk as his friends and his brain was still functioning perfectly well, which was probably the problem.

Of course he knew what drunk Sirius was like. Drunk Sirius was very much like sober Sirius except different. As little as he usually thought about things, when he was drunk he didn’t think at all. Also, alcohol seemed to have a similar effect on him like Veritaserum and that was probably the most dangerous part, drunk Sirius was very affectionate and that, Remus mused, was very likely what would get him into trouble later.

When Remus returned to the table, he saw that Peter had gone to talk to the group of girls who were all giggling.

He sat down and watched Sirius who was talking to James; neither of them even acknowledging his presence.

“I jus’ wanna forget James. Jus’ forget it all. It’s all shit, Prongs. Reg’s a Death Eater and poor Alphard’s dead and Remus hates me and you,” he pointed his finger at James, “You’re gonna run off with tha’ redhead of yours. It’s not fair, James. It’s jus’ not fair,” he finished and drank another Firewhisky. He got up to get a new one and Remus was just about to intervene, when James put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder to push him back onto the chair, “Now, that’s enough Padfoot. I’m not running off with anyone, d’you hear me? You’re my brother. I fucking love you, mate.”

Sirius sat down again and it looked like he was just about to reply something when hell broke loose..

“You bastard!”

“Get away from her!”

“No, I – please, I didn’t – I’d never –”

Remus spun around and saw Peter who was currently stammering unintelligible excuses to a man in front of him. The ‘man’ was more of a mountain. He was almost twice as tall as Peter and four times as broad. The group of girls had stopped giggling and was, too, looking up at the man.

Remus hesitated; he looked back to James and Sirius but they were so drunk that they could only stare at the scene with wide eyes. Peter looked like he was about to faint any second now so Remus stood up. For a moment he wondered if he was about to do something really stupid but then decided that it was his Gryffindor – bravery kicking in.

“Hey, calm down! I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm,” he said, stepping between Peter and the man.

“Is that so? No harm, eh? And who are you? His babysitter?”

“I’m a friend and I would like you to back off now.” Remus heart was racing. He was not exactly sure what he was doing, torn between fear and anger. Fear because the mountain seemed to be furious and capable of pretty much anything, and anger because he hated it to see his friend being threatened and he was sure that Peter didn’t do anything to deserve something like this. He felt the wolf inside him stir, aching to act on his emotions but Remus fought him back.

“You are one tough son of a bitch I’ll give you that. But this is between me and your little friend who touched my girl. Nobody touches my girl and gets away with it. Nobody!” he shouted and tried to shove Remus out of the way. That was enough to brake his resistance. He was drunk and angry and that was always a dangerous combination; all fear seemed forgotten and Remus let out a low growl and then pushed back. The man stumbled, his eyes wide with surprise and shock, crashing against a table. He got up again and turned back to Remus, probably to hit him this time but as soon as their eyes met, the man stopped. Remus was breathing heavy, trying to gain back control over himself, he already regretted his outbreak but it seemed to be over. He held the man’s gaze, staring him down and, miraculously, the man left.

“You okay Peter?” Remus asked, turning around to his friend. Peter nodded, he looked frightened but unharmed, “Good. Let’s go get out here. I think we’ve had enough for the night.”

Peter nodded again and together they went to their table to get James and Sirius. James’ head lay on the table and he was snoring, while Sirius kept staring at Remus. Remus tried to ignore Sirius’ eyes and woke up James.

“Come on, pal. Let’s get you back and then you can sleep.”

“Mphhpf.” James made an unintelligible sound but raised his head, his eyes glassy and unfocused.

Back in the Gryffindor Common Room, Remus breathed a sigh of relief.

Peter and him had half carried James through the secret passageway and up the stairs while Sirius had followed them in rather a generous, wiggly line.

“Alright, we’re almost there. Don’t give up Pete,” he tried to encourage his friend but only received a snort as an answer. Finally, they opened the door to the dorm and let James drop onto his bed, where he immediately curled up into the sheets and started snorting again. Remus sighed. He had no intentions, whatsoever, to wake him again to make him take off his clothes, Peter, too, had fallen into his bed without changing and mumbled a quick, “G’night Moony,” before falling asleep as well. Remus turned around to go to bed himself, but found his bed occupied by Sirius.

“Pads,” he whispered, “Pads, that is my bed.”

“I know. «

“Would you please be so kind and go to your own bed? I’m tired too, you know.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Sirius.”

“Please, Moony. Just…just…please,” he whispered, already half asleep. His hands were clutched to Remus arm and tugged him closer, “Please, stay with me.”

Remus sighed again, “Alright you great mutt. Budge up a bit then,” he said and Sirius did as he was told and as soon as Remus lay on the bed he wrapped his arms completely around Remus and lay his head onto his chest. Snuggled up like that, Remus already regretted his decision and tried not to think about how nice it felt. How familiar.

“Thanks,” Sirius mumbled, “You’re a good friend, y’know. A good friend. I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that.”

“But it’s true. I was so horrible to you and I would deserve you’re hate but you could never hate me, could you Moony?”

“No. No, I could never hate you,” he admitted.

Sirius shifted a bit and pressed his lips to Remus’. It hardly counted as a kiss but Remus’ heart still skipped a beat and then Sirius drew back and smiled.

“I could never hate you either Moony,” he whispered before falling asleep, leaving Remus wide awake and utterly confused but also happy because maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

_Alex was gone and Sirius lay in his bed, still naked and he felt Bad. Bad as in totally and absolutely, utterly goddam fucking shitty._

The worst thing is, _he thought bitterly,_ that it’s my own bloody fault.

_He knew the problem of course; the problem was that he had slept with Alex. He didn’t even like Alex. He had slept with him because Remus was off on a date and probably having a spiffing time while Sirius had been left behind, feeling miserable. The door to their dorm opened and Remus came in. He looked pale and his eyes were red._

_“Merlin, what happened? Are you okay?” Sirius asked and jumped off his bed immediately, not caring about his naked state._

_Remus did his best not to look at Sirius and nodded while keeping his distance. Sirius was taken aback. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. He quickly got dressed and then sat down next to Remus, lying an arm around his shoulders, to his relief, Remus did not try to push him away, even relaxed slightly into the touch._

_“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently and Remus shook his head. “Okay.”_

_So they just sat on Remus bed, side by side, in silence._

Sirius woke up and immediately wished he hadn’t. His head felt like the an army of giants was marching through it and his stomach seemed to have turned upside down.

“Urgh,” he groaned.

“A most wonderful morning my dear friend. I do hope you feel well,” a voice near his hear said and Sirius winced.

“Silence,” he whimpered.

“I’ll take that as a no” The voice, which Sirius recognized as Remus’, chuckled.

“Silence.”

“If you let me go I could get you a potion.”

“Huh?” Sirius opened his eyes which was a mistake referring to both his brain and his stomach but he had seen enough.

_Why am I hugging Remus and, what’s even more important, why am I lying in Remus’ bed?_

He tried to remember last night’s events, failing miserably.

“Pads,” Remus whispered.

“Wha’?”

“Do you want me to get you a potion?”

 _Right, the potion,_ Sirius remembered and forced his arms to move; after a moment, Remus managed to free himself from Sirius’ embrace and Sirius fell back onto the bed, trying hard not to throw up. A few minutes later, Remus was back, giving him something fluid that smelled like lemon and mint. Sirius waited a few minutes more before he dared to open his eyes once again. His brain had stopped throbbing and his stomach seemed to be in his right place again.

“Thank you, Moony,” he said and carefully sat up.

“You’re welcome,” said Remus.

“What time is it?”

“Too late for breakfast and you’ve missed Potions.”

“What ‘bout you?”

“What about me?”

“Have you not had breakfast ‘cause of me? Have you missed lessons ‘cause of me?” Sirius asked, guilt already settling in.

“It’s no big deal,” Remus answered. A blatant lie, Sirius knew.

“What happened last night?” Sirius asked unable looking at Remus. _What if I did something stupid? Again?_

“Not much, really. We were in the Three Broomsticks, James and you got utterly smashed, Pete got into a fight with a mountain and then we carried James back to the school because monsieur was too wasted to even take two steps without falling over,” Remus explained conversationally and Sirius nodded. Still, that didn’t explain why –

“Er, and why…I mean…why did we…?”

“Oh.” Remus blushed.

_Merlin, why does he have to look so damn cute when he blushes?_

“You…er…you, kind of, asked me to stay.”

“Oh.” Now it was Sirius who blushed. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

They fell into an awkward silence and Sirius cursed his drunken self for being so stupid.

 


	3. Hold Your Breath And Count To Ten (Then Fall Apart And Start Again)

**Remus**

Weeks went by and with each passing day it seemed like the sky was getting darker and darker. News got to Hogwarts of attacks and accidents and fights, people went missing, others were found dead.

It was the beginning of the holidays, the last Christmas they would ever have together at Hogwarts, and the Marauders sat by the fire place in the Common Room, talking about their plans for the future.

“What have you planned after school, Moony?” James asked.

“There’s not much I can plan, is there? I mean, I’d love to be a teacher but that’s impossible. No one’s going to hire a werewolf. Not even Dumbledore. Or maybe he would but he couldn’t. So I will have to get a job somewhere in the Muggle world. What about you? You and Sirius are still going to do the Auror training?” he asked and both James and Sirius nodded.

“Yep,” Sirius said, popping the ‘p’ at the end, “Pete?”

“I think I’ll just take over my dad’s shop. Someone has to and Lauren’s in Greece with her husband and Mary and Greta are too young and dad’s not really coping well with mum being gone and he has to look after the girls an’ all. I think he’ll be happy for the help.”

Peter’s dad had a little shop in a side street of Diagon Alley called ‘Pettigrew’s Plant Paradise’ which was the main reason why Peter was so good in Herbology. He had an older sister and two younger ones who weren’t even attending Hogwarts yet.

“Ah, well…I wonder how long it’ll take until all hell breaks loose. I mean, Voldemort’s followers are being pretty subtle but I suppose it won’t stay like that for ever,” James said and they all nodded in agreement.

“Rumour says that there is some kind of underground movement. Some sort of resistance that fights against the Death Eaters. D’you think that’s true?” Sirius asked.

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Remus shrugged. “The thing with rumours is that you can never be sure. Would be nice, though. If it was true, I mean.”

“It would, yeah.”

“Listen, I think I’m going to bed. Tomorrow’s the full moon and I’m knackered,” Remus explained and stood up. That had been, of course, the other reason while all his friends had stayed over the holiday, although none of them had actually said it. They didn’t need to. Remus lay down on his bed, closing his eyes, and was soon fast asleep.

 

_Remus sat naked in the Shrieking Shack. Alone._

_Sirius’ words still echoed in his mind, he could still see his face. The anger, the hurt, the tears._

_He felt the moon rising, he knew that he didn’t have much time left but he didn’t get up._

_He was scared. For the first time in years he was scared of the transformation because this time he would be alone. He had told his friends to stay away and he knew that they would. James had always respected his wishes, Peter was probably glad that he didn’t have to be there because he was scared of the wolf, and Sirius – Sirius would have probably stayed away no matter what Remus had said. There was no reason for him to come, on the contrary he had a hundred reasons to avoid Remus and the wolf and that made Remus even more angry. He could feel the cold rage of the animal inside him, he knew that this would be one of the worst transformation he’d had so far._

Maybe it kills me, _it was strangely comfortable thought._ Maybe –

_He winced. His skin tearing apart. His entire body on fire. He pressed his lips together so he wouldn’t scream._

_He couldn’t see._

_He couldn’t hear._

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Sirius woke up, shivering. He was cold. He blinked, trying to orientate himself. He was not in his bed. He was not even in the dormitory. He was lying on the cold, hard ground in a dark room and – the memory hit him like one of James’ Bludgers.

He was in the Shrieking Shack. And the pile of clothes on the bed was Remus, hidden under blankets and Sirius’ cloak, which would also explain why he has so damn cold.

Sirius got up, he had been sleeping right next to the bed and now he sat down on it and watched Remus’ sleeping face, or at least the bit that was not hidden under several layers of fabrics. The moon last night had been a good one. Moony had been playful but not too rough, they had run through the forest for a bit before returning to the Shack early.

Remus stirred in his sleep, damp hair falling into his face and Sirius resisted the urge to brush it away.

_I should leave. I shouldn’t even be here._

It was the first time in a long time that Sirius had spent the whole night in the Shack, right by Remus’ side and he shouldn’t –

_Fuck…_

The other boy looked peaceful like this. Beautiful.

Carefull, as not to wake Remus up, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his friend’s forehead.

“Merry Christmas, Moony,” he whispered before standing up and silently leaving the Shrieking Shack.

 

_»Sirius? «_

_»Huh? «_

_»What are we? «_

* * *

 

**Remus**

He lay in one of the beds in the Hospital Wing, starring at the ceiling.

There was a blurry memory in the back of his mind, a soft voice whispering in his ear, a gentle brush of lips against his skin.

“Merry Christmas Moony,” Peter said as he walked in, bringing Remus back to reality. He, James and Sirius stood in the door of the Hospital Wing, smiling at Remus who was mostly just looking at Sirius. Sirius who looked like he had hardly slept the night. Sirius who would not meet his eyes.

“How are you, mate?”

“Pretty good. Must have been a good moon.”

“It was.”

“Oh, before I forget,” said James and pulled put a big package from his bag, “Presents.”

He handed it to Remus who rolled his eyes but was secretly glowing with happiness. Slowly, he opened his present. It was a trunk with a little tag, saying ‘Professor R. J. Lupin’. Remus stared at his it for a while, unable to speak.

“Open it.”

Remus did. Inside were a bag full of chocolate which must be from Peter, a photo album with every photo that had ever been taken during their years at Hogwarts Remus was sure was James’ doing, and a necklace with a small marble. Remus took a closer look and saw that it wasn’t just any marble; he could see the night sky in it, or more precise, one certain constellation.

“Canis Majoris,” he mumbled and his eyes fell on Sirius who was staring at the floor and _am I imagining it or is he blushing?_

“We all know I’m your favourite star,” Sirius joked finally raising his head, flashing him his trademark smirk. There was no sign of any bashfulness left.

“Thank you,” he said and looked back at the trunk.

“How did you get in here? My patients need rest,” Madame Pomfrey said as she walked in with a tray to bring Remus his breakfast.

“Now Poppy, it’s Christmas.” Sirius winked at her and Remus was pretty sure he saw Madame Pomfrey’s lips twitch.

“Oh, alright, but only because it’s Christmas,” she gave in and set the tray down on Remus’ bed who dug into his bowl of porridge while Sirius snatched the ‘Daily Prophet’ from the tray along with the cup of tea. Remus always felt exceptionally hungry after his transformations. There was a splattering noise and Remus saw Sirius coughing frantically, eyes fixed on the newspaper.

“Alright there, mate? Don’t kill yourself,” James teased but Sirius ignored him completely and continued reading. James looked at Remus, frowning, and walked around Sirius to have a look at the newspaper. Remus set down his bowl and watched his two friends who both looked in horror at the ‘Prophet’.

“What is it?” he asked.

Sirius looked up, a pained expression on his face, “I – er – I’m not sure you want to see this,” he said but Remus raised an eyebrow and Sirius handed him the newspaper, reluctantly. He looked at the front page article and began reading.

 

_The inexplicable has happened last night in a Muggle orphanage in London. Ten children are dead, 28 have been admitted to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. The Auror department has not yet given a statement, about what has happened but rumours are, that the Dark Mark has been seen right after the incident and that a pack of werewolves is to blame and not just any werewolf, but one, that is well known for his incredulously cruel behaviour. It wouldn’t be the first time that Fenrir Greyback shows a special interest in children since we all remember the incident almost 12 years ago, when Greyback deliberately attacked the son of a member of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, whose identity will be kept anonymous._

_However, these rumours remain unconfirmed and the Auror Department is currently busy with interrogations and will soon publish an official statement. The Muggles that have been at the orphanage last night have been taken in for questioning and their memories have been altered and it can be hoped that the person responsible will be found soon_

Remus’ mouth felt dry. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he could hear the blood rushing in his ears.

“Remus,” a hoarse whisper reached his ears but he didn’t react, “Remus.”

After what felt like an eternity, he tore his eyes away from the article and looked at his friends.

“This,” he managed to say, “This is _sick._ ”

“It is,” Sirius agreed, stepping forward to kneel in front of Remus’ bed, catching his eyes, “It is. But Remus, we all know that Greyback is a monster. Look at what he did to you.”

“It doesn’t matter what he did to me. Look at what he did to those children,” he was definitely crying now, feeling utterly disgusted. Disgusted by Greyback. Disgusted by himself. “That could have been me,” he whispered, “I could have done that.”

“No you couldn’t have! You would never do something like that.”

“Yes I would. If I had been there last night, I would have. I am a fucking werewolf, Black! Don’t you get it? I know that you’re not afraid of me but you should be. You should all be scared and you shouldn’t be here and pity me like I’ve got it bad. You shouldn’t be helping me.”

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up! That is complete bollocks and you know it. You are Remus John Lupin and you are a good person! You’re better than any of us and, yes, once a month you become a blood thirsty wolf but so what? That doesn’t make you bad. That doesn’t mean you’re like Greyback because you’re not. You’re nothing like him! Greyback enjoys hunting people. He enjoys torturing them but you don’t enjoy it. You lock yourself up in a little Shack all by yourself and shred yourself to pieces because you hate that part of yourself! Because you are afraid and disgusted by the wolf. We love you, Remus. All of you. So don’t you dare shut us out now because we won’t let you. We won’t let you punish yourself for something that – that monster has done,” when Sirius had finished he was panting hard and his eyes were glittering with tears but he held Remus’ gaze and Remus saw that he meant every word of it. He looked up and saw James and Peter still standing at his bed and they, too, had that determined look in their eyes, that said ‘we won’t take shit from you’ and Remus felt again like crying. He was so happy to have these friends. So lucky that they loved him as what he was.

 _I don’t even deserve them._ But he didn’t say anything. He knew exactly what they would reply and it made him both happy and sad at the same time.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

New Year’s came and went and one by one the students came back from their holiday and they all had only one topic to talk about: the werewolf attack. It was still not official that it was Greyback’s pack but everyone was convinced of it one way or another and no matter where you went you could hear people whispering.

“Bloody werewolves deserve to be put down, the lot of them,” they would say, “Fucking animals shouldn’t be allowed to live amongst us.”

And it hurt.

It hurt to see Remus wince every time they went past a group of students.

It hurt to hear him lying awake at night and seeing the dark circles around his eyes.

But most of all it hurt to see Remus withdrawing into himself. He spent more and more time alone in the library. He disappeared for hours, without anyone knowing where he was, going as far as vanishing from the Map completely.

“It’s not fair,” Sirius said one evening as he sat with James at the fireplace, “It’s not bloody fair that he blames himself.”

James looked at him in a rather strange way but said nothing.

“D’you reckon we can do something? Help him to see that he’s not a bad person?”

“I don’t think there’s much we can do, Pads. He just really hates himself right now and I don’t think you fussing over him will do much help.”

“I wouldn’t fuss –”

“Yes you would. You do. He doesn’t want our help. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want it, Sirius. All we can do is be there in case he needs us.”

Sirius stared at James. How could he be so calm about this?

“It’s not bloody fair,” he grumbled frustrated.

He missed Moony. His Moony. The funny, witty, sarcastic and quiet Moony he loved. As a friend. Because they were friends. Nothing more. Never were, never would be anything but friends.  

 

_“Sirius?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“What are we?”_

 

Sirius closed his eyes. _Don’t think about that,_ he told himself. _Not now._

“Sirius?”

“Huh?”

“He’ll come around,” said James and smiled at him. Sirius smiled back and wished he could believe his best friend. He really wished he could.

* * *

 

**Remus**

_“Sirius?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“What are we?”_

 

Remus was in the Room of Requirements. It looked very much like the library except that it had a very comfortable sofa on which he had been sitting for hours now. He had found the room by accident while searching for a place where he could be alone. Truly alone. He liked it here. He knew that his friends couldn’t possibly find him because the room didn’t show on the Map and he really didn’t want to be found. He just wanted to be alone.

His thoughts kept spinning. It was all too much.

Sirius. The attack. The comments about werewolves. The upcoming N.E.W.T.s.

Remus groaned. He only had a few months left and he hadn’t even started with his revisions. An only too familiar feeling of fear started creeping over him. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply.

 

_“Sirius?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“What are we?”_

 

He opened his eyes again. He would not think of that now. He would not think of _that_ day. The day it all went south.

Remus sighed and got up. Maybe he should go back to the Common Room before he had any thoughts that he would regret later.

In the Gryffindor Tower he saw James and Sirius sitting by the fire place but he simply ignored them and went upstairs to their dorm. A few minutes later a highly upset Peter came in, followed by James and Sirius who were both frowning.

“I’m so sorry, really, I swear I didn’t mean to – it just happened,” Peter stuttered frantically.

“Whoa, calm down Wormtail. What happened?” James asked.

“I – er – You know…I was just meeting up with Lydia and I had the Map and then Filch came and – and –”

“And?” James prodded, the same time as Sirius asked, “Who’s Lydia?”

“No one”, Peter said quickly but Sirius grinned wickedly.

“Pete you sly rat. Who is she?”

Peter’s face was deep red now as he tried to answer but James stopped him, “Doesn’t matter, Sirius. And what, Peter? What happened?”

“Ilostthemap.”

“What?” all three friends asked at the same time.

“I – I sort of…lost…the Map,” Peter mumbled and stared at the ground.

“You what?” Sirius burst out.

“I was meeting with Lydia and I had it and then Filch came suddenly and it was still in my hand and Lydia was scared of Filch so I helped her get away but then I had no time left to put it into my pocket and he confiscated it. It was already blank, though. He can’t read it.,” he quickly added as if that would make it alright.

James, Sirius and Remus gaped at Peter.

Sirius was the first one to regain his ability to speak, “Let me get this straight,” he said slowly, his voice a dangerous whisper, “You lost the Map. _Our_ Map. The Marauder’s Map. Over a fricking _girl_?” Peter looked close to tears now. He nodded and began to mutter apologies.

“It’s alright,” James said, patting Peter’s shoulder.

“Are you mad?” Sirius almost shouted, “It’s not fucking alright, it’s –”

 _“It’s alright.”_ James hissed with emphasis and shot Sirius a warning look who just glared back.

“Oh, bloody brilliant,” Sirius muttered as he walked out again. James rolled his eyes and shook his head. His and Remus’ eyes met and he jerked his head into the direction of the door. Remus nodded and followed Sirius; he found him outside as he was just entering an empty classroom.

“Hey. Can I come in?” he asked and Sirius shrugged without looking at him.

Remus entered and closed the door behind him. He hesitated for a moment, before sitting down on the floor next to Sirius.

“You’re angry with me,” he stated and Sirius snored.

“’m not angry.”

“Right.”

They sat in silence for a few more moments, before Sirius spoke again, “I’m not. I’m worried about you. You’ve stopped talking to us, you keep to yourself and I know exactly what you do when you’re alone.”

“Do you? And what is that?”

“You think.”

Now it was Remus who snorted.

It was always the same conversation they were having. Always the same accusations thrown at each other and always the same responses.

“You’re not going to say something about that?”

“What do you want to hear, Sirius?” he asked, his voice sounding tired, “I’m not having this conversation again, Sirius.”

“So that’s it then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve got nothing left to say?”

“Not right now. No.”

“Right. Well, then you might as well leave.”

Finally, Remus looked at Sirius whose eyes were closed but he knew that if he opened them, Remus would see pain. Pain and sadness.

“I don’t want to,” Remus whispered and Sirius opened his eyes. Confused.

“What did you say?”

“I said, I don’t want to. I want to stay with you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my friend.”

“Friend. Right.”


	4. How Far Would You Go?

**Sirius**

The N.E.W.T. exams were over. It was summer, the sky was clear and the air was warm and the Marauders and Lily sat in the Tree Broomsticks.

There had been even more attacks lately, people disappearing, and all the Muggleborns at Hogwarts were scared for their families.

Sirius, James, Remus and Peter had agreed that, if the rumours were true about the underground movement named ‘Order of the Phoenix’, they would join it. They wanted to fight. They wanted to help, defeat Voldemort.

“To us!” James shouted, rising his Butterbeer.

“To us!” the others echoed.

Half of their year was in the pub, drinking and celebrating the end of school. Sirius looked around, he saw Alice and Frank snogging in a dark corner, Marlene and Dorcas were talking to some local guys and Xenophilius stood in the middle of the room, dancing even though no one else was.

They were all there. Or almost. All the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, most of the Ravenclaws but no Slytherins. Sirius frowned. He hadn’t expected to see many of them but at least a few and if not in the Three Broomsticks then at least elsewhere in Hogsmeade but now that he came to think of it, he didn’t remember them leaving the castle at all.

“Potter!” Lily’s shriek brought him back from his thoughts. She looked at James in outrage and James grinned at her.

“Sorry Evans,” he said not sounding sorry at all. Lily snorted but Sirius could see that she had a hard time fighting back a smile and when James pulled her closer by the hips her resistance broke and she grinned at James widely and kissed him. Sirius rolled his eyes. Having Lily spend so much time with them was not half as bad as he had expected and he even grew to like her a bit.

His eyes met Remus’ and he gave him a small smile. Remus sat at the other end of the table and talked to a girl named Tania or Tasha or something like that. Remus smiled back before focusing on the conversation again. His eyes lit up and he smiled at her, saying something that made her laugh; it sounded as if a horse was snickering. Sirius took a closer look at her. She was small and had short, red hair, her clothes were all black and she wore black eyeliner. She was pretty. Sirius hated her. He hated her because she obviously liked Remus and Remus seemed to like her back and –

“You okay, mate?” suddenly, James was at his side and looked at him in concern.

“Splendid. Where’s your redhead?”

“My Lilyflower is getting us new drinks. Why are you staring daggers at that poor girl?”

“Lilyflower is a sickening nickname. What girl?”

“It is a wonderful nickname, thank you very much. You know exactly which.”

Sirius said nothing and continued murdering the redhead (not Lily) with his eyes. James, too, stayed silent for a moment, then, “You’re a bit jealous,” he stated.

“What? No! I’m not fucking…why would you even…”

“Of course. Excuse me, my mistake. You’re not a bit jealous, you’re fucking green, mate.”

“Fuck you,” Sirius said because, really, what else was there to say?

Remus looked over to him once again and must have seen Sirius’ anger because he immediately seemed to excuse himself from the girl and approached him.

“Are you okay? You look a bit…tense…”

“Do I?” Sirius asked rather aggressively, still staring at the girl who looked rather confused. “Who is she?” he asked and bit his tongue right after.

“Who’s who?” Remus asked and then followed Sirius’ eyes, “Oh. Tamara? She’s just some Ravenclaw that happens to share my love for Oscar Wilde, why?”

“Is that what they call it now?”

“Sirius, what do you want?” Remus asked and Sirius saw that he was getting angry now and felt a sting of regret. Remus did not get angry easily and the fact that it just took so little today was a very bad sign.

“Nothing. I want nothing. Just…you do realize that she fancies you?” he asked and looked at Remus who started to laugh

“What? What are you talking about? Tamara’s gay, Sirius. She’s Dorca’s girlfriend,” he explained and Sirius felt very, very stupid.

“Oh.”

“We were just talking about books. No need for you to get jealous.” Remus turned around without waiting for Sirius protest, “I’m not jealous!” he shouted but Remus did not hear him.

 

A few hours later a lot of people were very drunk, Sirius however, was almost sober again thanks to Remus.

“Sirius, we need a few people that are able to think straight when we have to get that lot back to the castle.”

“Yeah, but there’s a flaw in that plan. I can never think straight,” Sirius had said and Remus had hit him on the back of his head but laughed nevertheless.

James and Lily were sober too, being Head Girl and Head Boy, and already planning their return to the school, when Sirius saw a ferret lurking in one corner of the pub. He frowned. He knew that ferret.

Just when he stood up to get a closer look, it ran behind the bar. Sirius looked around; no one was paying much attention to him so he decided to follow. He sneaked into the back room and saw a door standing ajar, he opened it and stepped outside into the alley behind the pub. He looked around and saw the ferret at the corner of the building, following it he reached the  front side of the Three Broomsticks, but the ferret was gone. There was a small voice in his head, telling him that he should just go back inside but his gut told him otherwise. He knew that ferret and it wouldn’t be in Hogsmeade without a good reason.

Then, suddenly, he heard a distant noise, screams, shouts. Sirius ran down the street and saw light. No. Fire. Sirius eyes widened and he was just about to run straight towards the fire when something held him back.

 _The ferret,_ he thought, _Regulus’ ferret._

Following an instinct he turned around, towards the pub.

“James! James! We need to get out of here. All of us,” he hissed frantically. James looked at him, like he had just grown a second head.

“Why? What happened?”

“Death Eaters. In Hogsmeade. Just down the street.”

“Shit,” James cursed and jumped to his feet, “Alright everyone! Party’s over, we gotta go back to the caste. NOW!” shouted and the students looked at him in bewilderment.

“Why?” a scrawny Hufflepuff asked.

“Because I say so,” James replied and opened the door.

Sirius fought his way through the crowd to find Remus and told him what was going on; he understood immediately and with the help of Lily, the three sober Marauders managed to get everyone out of the pub. James, Remus, Lily and Sirius waited until everyone was save on their way back to the castle when suddenly a curse hit a bush next to Frank who had also stayed behind with his girlfriend, Alice.

“What the –” he sputtered and turned around, his eyes wide.

Sirius followed his example and saw that a group of people was approaching them, wands drawn, and it was obvious that they had caused the fire. Sirius narrowed his eyes to see their faces but had not much luck, except –

“If that is not my favourite cousin,” a female voice snarled and Sirius felt a cold shiver run down his spine.

“Bellatrix,” he said. Now that they stood only steps away from each other he could see more faces. Next to Bellatrix stood her husband Rodolphus, and Narcissa’s husband Lucius Malfoy, behind them were four man Sirius didn’t know by name and, again Sirius shivered, Regulus and Snape.

“We told you that it was your decision to make; you made the wrong one. Now you have to live with the consequences,” Bellatrix said and laughed madly, “Oh, this is going to be so much fun. Say goodbye to your little friends.” She giggled and raised her wand but Sirius was quicker.

» _Stupefy! «._

Bellatrix ducked but the man behind her wasn’t as quickly and dropped to the ground. More spells were cast and Sirius tried his best to hit Bellatrix but she was good. Too good.

» _Petrificus Totalus_. «

» _Protego_. «

»Go on, cousin! Kill me if you can! Crucio! «.

The curse hit him right in his chest and he immediately forgot everything. He didn’t know anymore where he was or why and who the people around him where. It was pain. Pain like he had never felt before. And then it was over and Sirius was left lying on the ground, panting, desperately trying to get up. There was hand on his cheek, it was warm and rough. Sirius looked up and straight into Remus’ concerned eyes.

“Get your hands off my cousin you dirty half – blood!” Bellatrix screamed, “ _Avada Kedavra_!”

Sirius saw the curse breaking out of the tip of Bellatrix’s wand, directed at Remus, and he did the only thing that came to his mind. He pushed Remus away as hard as he could making him fall to the ground but the curse missed. A flood of relief and anger swept over Sirius and he jumped to his feet, pointing his wand at Bellatrix who was laughing again.

“ _Crucio_!” he shouted and now it was Bellatrix on the floor. Bellatrix screaming and twitching and Sirius was laughing and he was sure that he was losing his mind but it felt so, so good.

“Sirius stop!” Remus voice sounded distant but the hand on his arm was closer than anything he had ever felt. He lowered his wand, feeling sick and exhausted. His eyes were burning from tears. He saw Bellatrix stirring, struggling to get up.

“ _Stupefy_.” James shouted.

“ _Protego_!”

Sirius turned his head and saw Regulus standing a few steps away, protecting their cousin. His eyes were fixed on Sirius, challenging him to do something. Anything. But he couldn’t.

He shook his head and stepped away, letting his friends take over. He was tired and it was all too much. Another curse rushed past him, missing him only by a few inches but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He had done it. He had cast an Unforgivable Curse. He was just like the rest of his family. Just a sick, twisted Black that enjoyed hurting other people.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus saw Sirius stumbling backwards, his eyes empty and unfocused. It had been hard seeing him torture Bellatrix, laughing. Remus stunned Rudolphus, five of the nine Death Eaters were lying on the ground now, leaving Bellatrix, Regulus, Snape and Lucius to fight. The problem was, that those seemed to be the best fighters of them, and Alice and Frank were both unconscious, Sirius seemed to be in some state of shock, which left Lily who was bleeding badly from a wound at her head, James, and himself. Three against four.

Suddenly he heard shouts. Spells were cast and a lot of people seemed to be around them. Remus let himself drop to the ground and looked around. Professor McGonagall, Professor Slughorn, Professor Flitwick and Professor Dumbledore had come down from the castle and the remaining Death Eaters were trying to get away as quick as possible, taking their hurt ones with them.

When they were gone Remus stood up and his eyes fell on Sirius who seemed to have caught himself again. His eyes were no longer glassy and his face showed at least some kind of emotion although it was impossible to tell which.

“How could this happen? Are any of you hurt?” Professor Slughorn asked but no one bothered to answer. While Professor Flitwick cast an _Ennervate_ on Frank and Alice, McGonagall and Dumbledore listened intently to what had happened.

“We were in the pub and then Sirius came in and said that there were Death Eaters in the village so we tried to get everyone back to the school but we weren’t fast enough,” James quickly explained.

Dumbledore turned to Sirius. “And how did you know that they were here?” he asked.

“Like James said, I was outside,” Sirius answered, his voice hollow, “I just needed some fresh air.”

Remus watched Dumbledore whose eyes were fixed intently on Sirius like he was trying to see right through him. Eventually, he nodded, a strange expression in his eyes.  

“Very well, I would suggest that we should go back to the castle. Horace, Filius, why don’t you bring Mr. Longbottom and Miss Prince to the Hospital Wing?” Dumbledore said.

A few minutes later, Remus, Sirius, James and Lily were alone with their two teachers.

“Now, I’d like to congratulate you for your daring and your ability to think clear and act quick in the face of danger. Those are important abilities. Abilities that will be needed. Now, you have, I’m certain, heard about the rumours of the Order of the Phoenix?” Dumbledore asked and they all nodded, “It is, in fact, much more than a rumour and I’d like you to join, once you have left this school. If I remember correctly, you Mr. Black and Mr. Potter have intentions of becoming Aurors?” again they nodded, “That is good. We need people within the Ministry,” Dumbledore mumbled but Remus was almost sure that he wasn’t talking to them anymore but rather to himself.

They arrived at the school and McGonagall ordered them to return to the Gryffindor Tower which they did only too happily.


	5. You Had My Heart (At Least For The Most Part)

_“Sirius?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“What are we?”_

_Sirius had his eyes closed. He and Remus lay comfortably on Sirius’ bed in the dorm, now he opened his eyes and sat up a bit to look at Remus._

_“Why do you always have to ask that?” Sirius asked, his voice almost pleading._

_“Because I need to know. «, Remus simply stated._

_“Does it matter?”_

_“It does to me.”_

_“Well, I can’t answer you. I’m sorry Remus but I just don’t know, okay? And I don’t need to know.”_

_“What, so you don’t care?” Remus asked. He, too, was sitting now, his face showing hurt and anger._

_“Don’t make it sound so negative. Of course I care. I just don’t want to put any labels on this.”_

_“Labels?” Remus asked incredulous, “You think this is about labels?”_

_“I don’t know what this is about, Remus. Why can’t we just…_ be? _Why does it have to be about anything?”_

_“I just need to know what this is to you, Sirius. We both know how you are.”_

_Sirius blinked, “What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius asked, his voice much louder then it needed to be but he was getting angry now._

_Remus, too, was losing his patience, “What do you think it’s supposed to mean? You don’t think. And you do stupid things.”_

_“Oh, so this is about me now, is it? And what is about you? You always bloody overthink everything. You overthink your actions before you do them. You overthink your words before you speak them. Hell! You even overthink your own fucking thoughts before you actually think them!”_

_“Well, I’d rather think too much then not all!” Remus all but shouted, rising to his feet and taking a deep breath to calm himself before continuing, “I don’t want to fight, Sirius. I just want to know what this means to you because right now it doesn’t seem like much.”_

_“How can you say that?”_

_“Oh, I don’t know,” Remus said sarcastically, “Maybe because of those blokes you’re having up here all the time.”_

_“I thought we agreed –” Sirius started but Remus cut him off, “No! No, we agreed on nothing._ You _agreed with yourself and I couldn’t say no!”_

_“Well that is not my problem then, is it? If you can’t bloody stand up for yourself!”_

_“No, I didn’t want to upset you –” this time it was Sirius who interrupted._

_“Not upset me? And you think, this doesn’t upset me? Yeah, you’re right Remus, I’m having the fucking time of my fucking life here. See, that is exactly what I mean. You always think, think, think before you do anything but all you would have to do is bloody ask!”_

_“It doesn’t work like that, Sirius!”_

_“Yes it does! You’ll never get anything unless you ask for it or you just take it!”_

_“Just because that is what you always do, doesn’t mean that everyone has to do it!” Remus was furious now, how could Sirius be so ignorant?_

_“Urgh!” Sirius groaned in frustration, “Everything always has to be bloody reason with you. Let me ask you something, Remus. What would you do if you fall in love? Would you even do anything? Because that has nothing to do with reason! It’s all feelings and irrationality. Could you do that, Lupin? Could you say ‘I love you’? I don’t think you could. No, you would say ‘I love you’ and then there’s a footnote and in the footnote, stands ‘please note that love is a hormonal condition and is therefore bound to fluctuations. This is only a temporary estimation without legal claim, for further information, please contact my lawyer’ and you know what? I’m fucking sick of it!”_

_“Coming from the person named ‘Black’!” Remus shot back, his face was deep red now, “You always think of yourself, don’t you? Why won’t you understand that it’s not so easy for me? I’m a fucking werewolf! I can’t just take whatever I want! I can’t just love because no one wants to be with a werewolf! Why do you always seem to forget that?”_

_“Oh, I haven’t forgotten. How could I? You wouldn’t let me!”_

_“Then why won’t you understand –”_

_“I do understand! Believe me I understand better than you think! I understand that you always reduce yourself to being a werewolf –”_

_“That is not true!”_

_“It is too! It’s always about that one thing. Always! Like that was all there is to you, when it isn’t! You’re so much more than the wolf but you just can’t bloody see that, can you? And you say you can’t be both a werewolf and gay like it would make any difference! Like if you just admitted that you’re gay, things would suddenly change!”_

_“And they would! It is so easy for you to say, isn’t it? You, that never gives a shit about other people! Unlike you, I have a family to lose! Unlike you, I don’t have a glorious future ahead! It’s just so typical! You only see what you want to see, because that’s easy! But life isn’t easy, Black. It never was, it never will be! What do you think will happen once we leave Hogwarts? You and James will become Aurors or something like that because you can! Peter will probably help his parents in the shop because they want him to. But what about me? What can I do? If you honestly think there’s even one wizard who will employ a werewolf, then you’re even more naive than I thought!”_

_“Then why won’t you let us help you?”_

_“Because I don’t want your help!”_

_“Fine!” Sirius said._

_He stepped back a bit and looked at Remus in a way he had never looked at him before. There was a trace of pity in his eyes._

_“Fine. If you’re too stubborn or proud to accept help although you need it, then I guess you don’t even deserve it. I’m done, Remus. I give up. I’m sorry,” he said and turned around. When he had reached the door, he stopped once more but didn’t turn around._

_“And, Remus? I do give a shit. I give more then I probably should.”_

_And then he was gone and Remus stared at the open door, trying not to break down and cry because, really, what else had he expected?_


	6. Busy. Busy, Busy

**Sirius**

It was their first Christmas out of Hogwarts and all the Marauders (and Lily was one of them by now), sat in James’ and Lily’s flat in London under the Christmas tree. It was a fine evening and for once they all forgot the things that had happened over the last couple of weeks and months.

Sirius and James were caught up in their Auror training, Lily worked at St. Mungos, Peter was running the shop all on his own, and Remus had finally found a job in a small bookshop in Muggle London. They were all active in the Order of the Phoenix and had met quite a lot of very interesting and nice people. There was Alastor Moody, Head of the Auror Department and James’ and Sirius’ superior, the Prewett twins, two very mischievous, funny guys that always had a good story to tell, and Emmeline Vance, she was two years older than them and a very talented witch who, too, worked at St. Mungos as a Healer. Frank and Alive had also joined, along with Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadows.

They couldn’t do much jet because Dumbledore thought it best to keep it quiet so their main work was to keep eyes and ears open, to watch potential Death Eaters and find more allies. But despite the stress of the last couple of months, they had also been exciting. It was true, the Marauders spend less time with each other than before but for the moment that might have even been a good thing; Remus and Sirius didn’t fight as much anymore and they both managed to get their minds off of each other, so that, right now, they could sit close to each other on the sofa and talk about Quidditch.

“Potter!” Lily squeaked.

“Oh, I love it when she calls him that,” Sirius muttered, causing Remus to chuckle and they both turned around to see Lily and James standing in the kitchen door, stuck under a mistletoe; James had warned his friends beforehand not to go into the kitchen in pairs but apparently, Lily had had no idea.

“Yes my Lilyflower?” James asked innocently.

“Pray tell, why is there a mistletoe in our flat?”

“Why, so you can kiss me of course.”

“You are such an idiot,” she said but there was nothing but fondness in her eyes, “I will kiss you when I want. Where I want. As often as I want,” she explained and emphasized every sentence with a kiss, then turned around to go but still couldn’t.

“Potter,” she hissed again, “What have you done?”

“And I love how she automatically assumes he has done something,” Sirius commented.

Of course he knew what James ‘had done’ and he really hoped that it was the right thing but he couldn’t help but be highly amused at this scene before his eyes.

“I haven’t done anything, love,” James said and grinned his ‘Marauder - grin’.

“Why won’t this stupid thing let me go?”

“It’s not just any mistletoe. It’s a special one,” James explained, his fingers fidgeting nervously.

“A special one…?”

“It will only let you go if you give me an honest answer.”

“An honest answer to what?” Lily asked confused.

James smiled, pulled something out of his pocket and got down on one knee. Lily let out a gasp.

“Lily Evans, will you marry me?” James asked and held up a very pretty, shimmering ring.

“Oh my – Yes. Yes, I will,” Lily said, smiling widely. 

James, too, grinned and got back up to his feet to kiss his future wife. Sirius looked at Remus who watched his two friends stunned.

“Did you know about this?” Remus asked in a low voice and Sirius smirked.

“I helped choose the damn ring.”

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus had been surprised by James’ proposal, the good kind of surprise. It seemed like that weeding was about to be a bright star on an otherwise black sky.

On Boxing Day, Remus visited his parents and almost died out of boredom. His parents were both quite old and stubborn. And although Remus tried to convince them to go somewhere save, with Voldemort being on his uprising, but they didn’t want to hear any of that.

“I’ve been born in this village. I will die in this village. Voldemort can stick it if he thinks he can scare me away,” his mother had said and that had been the end of the discussion.

For New Year’s they had planned a big party. The sister of Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Molly Weasley, had invited the whole Order to her house. Molly Weasley was a stout but pretty woman and she and her husband Arthur had four sons already; all with bright, red hair.

“Bill no! Give Charlie his teddy bear back and Percy I _told you_ not to touch the food!” Molly said when Remus, Sirius, James and Lily arrived, “Oh, hello my darlings. Come in, come in.” They entered the house and where greeted by the twins, Marlene, Dorcas, and Emmeline.

“Where’s Peter?” Marlene asked and poured them each a drink.

“He’s coming a bit later. Said that he has to look after the girls.”

“Oh. Okay.” For some reason that seemed to make her very happy but Remus decided not think about it too much. More and more guests arrived and soon the Burrow was overly crowded and loud.

“I will go out for a bit,” he shouted to his friends.

“What?” Sirius shouted back.

“I said: I will go out for a bit!”

“What?”

Remus groaned and simply pointed towards the door. Sirius seemed to understand and followed him. Outside it was much quitter and Remus found himself relaxing at once. It was ten minutes to midnight and the two of them were strolled through the garden.

“It’s a nice night,” Sirius suddenly said and Remus laughed.

“Really? You’re talking about the _weather_?”

“What do you want to talk about? Because we haven’t done that in quite some time, you know. Talking.”

“I know.”

“I miss you, Moony.”

“Sirius –” Remus started but Sirius cut him off, “I do, Remus. I do. I’m sorry for all that mess I’ve caused. I miss you as my best friend.” For some reason the words ‘best friend, still tasted bitter in Remus’ mouth but he ignored it. “I want it to be the way it used to be.”

“That is not possible, Sirius.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that things have happened and you can’t just…unhappen them. You can’t undo what’s done and you can’t forget. Unless you want me to Obliviate you.”

“So…what can we do?”

“Accept it. You know…my dad always said that every change is a chance and you can always choose to make the best out of it.”

“That sounds nice,” Sirius said and Remus smiled. They turned to look at each other.

“Yeah it does.”

Voices were carried over to them, “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, happy new year!”

The fireworks exploded and turned the sky into a colourful ocean.

“Happy new year, Moony.”

“Happy new year, Pads,” Remus whispered and pulled Sirius into a gentle hug.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Although Sirius had hoped that things might get brighter after New Year, he was not that surprised that, in fact, it got even worse.

He hardly saw anything except his office, Remus was even more quiet than usually, and Peter kept to himself too, and the rest of the Marauders had learned now that Peter and Marlene had been a couple for months already.

Sirius was frustrated. The Auror training was hard and lately they had been on far more missions than usually. It was only good that the wedding was only a few days away, at least he had something to look forward to.

Currently, he was on watch duty with Moody and the Prewett brothers;, they were supposed to keep an eye on the Malfoy Mansion, suspecting it to be the Headquarter of Voldemort.

“This is pointless, as if anyone walks up to the gate with a waving flag over their head, saying ‘Death Eater’,” Fabian muttered as they crouched behind a bush in the mud, hidden by a good placed Disillusionment Charm. It had been raining all day and Sirius’ clothes were damp and cold, they had been waiting for hours now and all he wanted was to get home, have a hot shower and drink a couple of Butterbeers.

“Right you are, Prewett, right you are.”

“Hey, what’re you up to after this?” Fabian suddenly asked and Sirius shrugged, “Dunno. Reckon I’ll try to reanimate myself because, really, this weather is killing me.”

Fabian chuckled, “Fancy grabbing a beer later?”

“Sure, why not.”

“Now is not the time for romance, boys. Constant vigilance!” Moody barked behind them. Sirius rolled his eyes, sometimes it was really ridiculous how paranoid Moody could be.

“Charming as always,” Fabian muttered.

“Lads, something’s happening,” Gideon suddenly said and they all got quiet, watching as a group of hooded figures left the house.

“What d’you reckon? Death Eaters?” Fabian whispered.

“Hard to tell,” his brother answered, narrowing his eyes and starring at the group in concentration, “Hang on,” he suddenly said, “Isn’t that your brother, Sirius?”

Sirius stepped forward to get a better look and undoubtedly, amongst the group of potential Death Eaters, was Regulus.

“Fucking git,” Sirius snarled and clutched his wand, but a hand on his shoulder held him back. “Better not risk it,” Fabian whispered.

“Wait here for me,” Gideon said and tiptoed nearer.

“What the bloody hell does he think he’s doing there?” Moody asked. It was obvious that he was torn between getting Gideon back and keeping their cover, and Sirius couldn’t blame him. What Gideon did was stupid and dangerous and they had agreed not to draw attention to themselves; there was absolutely no need to take a risk. Gideon was only a few steps away from the group of people now, near enough to overhear their conversation and thus far they hadn’t seemed to notice anything but then everything went wrong.

A shrill, high pitched tone started ringing and the effect of the charm was gone, leaving Gideon very visible behind a small tree. The hooded figures reacted immediately and drew their wands in alarm. Regulus was the first to see Gideon and attacked.

“ _Stupefy_!” he cried but Gideon jumped aside just in time.

“Come on. Come on. Come on,” Fabian hurried them along, running out of their hiding place to help his brother. Sirius followed and he could see Moody swearing from the corner of his eyes but he, too, started running. It was nine against four but most of the Death Eaters, and Sirius was very sure that’s what they all were, seemed to be quiet unexperienced, which was a big advantage. Fabian had fought his way through to his brother and Sirius did his best to watch their backs.

“Black!” Moody shouted, “Get the twins and then we get out of here!”

Sirius nodded and moved forward. He was careful not to face his brother yet and it seemed like Regulus, too, did his best to avoid Sirius. He stunned a very young looking boy and avoided a ricochet _Confringo_ before he arrived at the tree. He saw immediately that something was wrong. Gideon lay on the ground, bleeding and Fabian desperately tried to keep him awake and the Death Eaters at distance.

“Let me help you!” Sirius called and cast another Stunning Spell blindly over his shoulder. Together, Sirius and Fabian managed to lift Gideon up. Sirius looked around to find Moody and saw him lying on the ground, motionless

“Alastor,” he muttered, “Go. I’ll get Moody,” said to Fabian and let go of Gideon. Without looking back, he ran towards Moody.

“ _Confringo_!” he shouted and cast a Blasting Spell towards the remaining three Death Eaters. Too late, he realized that Regulus was amongst them but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not now. He quickly dropped to the ground and suppressed a gasp. Moody’s face was covered in blood.

“Jesus…” Sirius muttered and lifted Moody’s body up. He gathered all the strength he had left to Apparate, when he saw a flash of red light followed by darkness.

* * *

 

**Remus**

He had been sitting on the chair for hours now, intently watching Sirius’ face, when suddenly Sirius stirred. It wasn’t much, just a deep breath, a flicker behind his closed eyelids, but it was more than he had done since his arrival.

“Sirius?” he whispered softly and Sirius opened his eyes, “Thank Merlin. You scared the shit out of me.”

Sirius smiled weakly and then looked around in confusion, “Where am I?” he asked.

“In my room. You Apparated right into our garden; gave my parents a right shock,” Remus explained.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Sirius said, then he seemed to remember why he was here in the first place, his face growing pale, “Moody,” he said, “How is he?”

Remus swallowed remembering the sight of Alastor Moody, unconscious and covered in blood.

“He’s alive,” he answered hesitantly.

“Alive?” Sirius repeated, “That sounds like –”

“He’s at St. Mungos. The healers say he’ll make it.”

“But - ?”

“He…er…oh Merlin, I’m so sorry…he’s lost an eye, Sirius.”

“He…what?”

“He lost an eye.”

“Fuck. What about the Prewetts? Do you know where they are?”

“They’re at the Burrow. Molly’s stitching them up.”

“Good.”

“What happened?”

“Everything was fine and then some kind of alarm went off and blew our cover. They were too many, Moony, and Gideon was hurt and Fabian just wanted to get his brother out of there…” Sirius stopped, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

Without thinking, Remus took his hand and squeezed it gently.

“It’s okay, now. Everything’s okay. You’re safe,” he whispered.

Sirius nodded and for the next minutes they just sat there together in silence but for once it wasn’t awkward or forced or uncomfortable.

The door opened and James’ head appeared, “Hey, you okay, mate? You scared us,” he said while approaching the bed.

“I’m fine. Just a bit of a headache,” said Sirius, then added, “Better than Moody, anyway.”

James grimaced, “Yeah,” he swallowed, “About that,” he took a deep breath, both Sirius and Remus looked expectantly at James, waiting for him break the news, “Lily just sent a Patronus, she’s at work and looking after him. She says he’ll be fine. They can’t do much about the eye jet but there are ways.”

Remus breathed in relief and closed his eyes for a moment. He had always like Moody.

“What ways?” Sirius asked frowning.

“Dunno. She didn’t say but as long as he’s going to be fine it doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Suppose not.”

 


	7. And I Think There's A Tunnel At The End Of This Light

**Sirius**

“Today is a very, very sad day,” Sirius announced, sobbing theatrically, behind him James rolled his eyes, “Our beloved James is finally going to leave the fair pleasures of adolescence to enter the final state of boredom. This, my friends, is the beginning of the end. James has always been a true friend and a loyal brother. Together, we caused mayhem and disorder! We defeated school rules and suffered from many detentions! We battled against exams and stood side by side in many drunken nights! Now, I will surrender him to Lily, the Fierce. She is truly one of a kind and a kind one, truly. Never have I seen such a great heart but at the same time such will power to withstand the wooing of a handsome and witty bloke as James. Yes, my dear friends, you heard right! Lily Evans fought hard against his efforts to win her heart. She fought, she lost, and we are all glad that she did, for a lovesick James is an unbearable, obnoxious and highly depressing pain in the arse and if you haven’t seen it yet, be grateful!” he paused and took a sip of his beer, “Now, where was I? Ah, yes. My arse has been kicked many a time because I used to be an idiot. I still am. Nevertheless, I ought to thank James for his concern about my better parts. I also ought to thank Lily because she was the one that finally managed to knock some sense into that thick head of his. I still remember the day those two met for the first time like it was yesterday; we were all on the Hogwarts Express and James and I had a heated debate about Quidditch when she entered the compartment and asked if she could sit with us. Naturally, we confirmed and maybe, just maybe, everything would have been different, if James hadn’t called her a damsel in distress and referred to himself as the knight in shining armour. I will spare you the details, Ladies and Gentlemen, but it might or might not have been that day that Lily Evans slapped James Potter for the very first time, which was incidentally the moment he fell eternally in love with her. I, myself, have grown to love that women and I wouldn’t want to miss her for the world. I wish you all the best there is, and hope that you will have many years of being disgustingly in love with many little James’s and Lily’s. To Lily and James Potter!” he said and raised his bottle.

“To Lily and James Potter!” the guests echoed.

Sirius stepped down from the table he had been standing on and went over to his best friend who grinned like the cat that got the cream.

“Great speech, mate. Didn’t think you’d had it in you,” James said and gave Sirius a tight hug.

“Well, what can I say. Just one of my countless talents,” Sirius replied, grinning back at James.

“Prat,” James grumbled and hit him on the back of his head.

Sirius backed away to make space for all the other guests that wanted to congratulate the couple. His eyes scanned the room for Remus. He saw Frank and Alice, dancing together, oblivious to the world, Dorcas and Emmeline kissing, no snogging, passional in a dark corner of the room, Molly Weasely on a chair with one of her children sitting on her lap, next to her was one of her brothers, was it Fabian or Gideon? Sirius didn’t know. He saw Peter and Marlene, now also entering the dance floor but no Remus. Sirius frowned. Where was he?

“Looking for someone?”

Sirius startled and turned around. The other Prewett twin was standing very close to him, offering him another drink which he took gratefully.

“Maybe I was looking for you,” he said ambiguously.

“Maybe you were,” Prewett replied with a wink and sipped at his beer without breaking eye contact, “We never got around to have that drink,” he suddenly said.

 _Fabian, then,_ Sirius noted and nodded.

“Too true. So, what are you up to after this?”

“Are you asking me on date?”

“Maybe I am. Are you accepting?”

“Maybe I am,” Fabian answered with a wide smile. Both men quickly emptied there bottles and Sirius led Fabian onto the dance floor.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus had gone outside right after Sirius had finished his speech. He was tired and his whole body was aching since the full moon was only day away. When he went back inside his eyes fell immediately onto the dance floor where Sirius and one of the Prewett brothers were dancing. Remus sat down and nipped at his beer. He didn’t even notice that he was watching Sirius, until someone cleared their throat right next to his ear. “Ahem. Earth to Remus.”

Remus turned his head and saw James looking at him thoughtfully, “You know…if you’d just do something about it, this would be a whole lot easier for the both of you.”

Remus frowned, “What are you talking about?”

“I think you know what I’m talking about.”

“Let’s just pretend that I did, completely hypothetically, what good would it do? We’re friends, James. Nothing more. It’s better this way.”

“Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, maybe it’ll be true someday but I wouldn’t get my hopes up too much.”

It was hard for Remus to interpret the expression on James’ face. He looked sad and annoyed but there was also that James – ish glimmer in his eyes, like he knew something that nobody else did.

“Anyway. Stop sulking and have some fun,” James said and dragged Remus across the room where Lily was talking to her sister.

“- understand, thanks for coming anyway,” Lily said and gave Petunia a quick embrace. Vernon Dursley, Petunias husband, stood a few steps away and Remus could see him scowling.

“Alright, that’s enough. Petunia, darling, we really need to leave now,” he suddenly barked and took his wife’s hand to make her go with him. Lily watched them leave with a sad look in her eyes.

“Just ignore them, Lily. I know she’s your sister but if she doesn’t want your affection, then she doesn’t deserve it,” said James and placed a gentle kiss on Lily’s forehead who immediately smiled and pulled her husband into a real kiss.

“Now, Remus,” she said, turning to her friend, “Ready to dance?” she asked and offered him her hand. Remus hesitated a moment but then took it and led Lily onto the dancefloor, careful not to look at Sirius and Fabian.

 

When Remus woke up the next morning, he had a major headache and his left knee was red and swollen. He frowned, trying to remember what had happened the previous night but he gave up as soon as he realized that even thinking was painful. He lay groaning in his bed, wishing he could just go back to sleep but of course, that didn’t work. He paused, opening his eyes again, carefully, he looked around.

 _This is not my bed._ He suddenly realized. _Where the hell am I?_

The door opened and Lily’s head appeared.

“Good morning, Remus. Thought I heard something. How do you feel?” she asked and Remus let out another groan, “Yeah, I thought so. Hang on a sec, I’ll get you a Hangover Potion.” She vanished again and Remus closed his eyes, trying to ignore the throbbing in his knee and his brain. “There we go, take this.”

»Thank you. «, Remus whispered once the pain had subdued.

“No problem. You got mighty smashed last night,” Lily said.

Remus frowned; again, he tried to remember. He’d been dancing with Lily, that much he knew, then he had talked to Peter and Marlene and they had had a few shots of Muggle Whisky and then –

“Remus?”

Remus looked at Lily who looked back at him in concern.

“I need a shower,” he announced and got up to go to the bathroom. Standing under the hot water he felt almost like a human being again.

 _Sirius,_ he thought, _Sirius and Fabian._

He had seen them on the dancefloor and then Fabian had gotten them another drink and then they had been kissing and Remus had seen Sirius taking Fabians hand, leading him outside. He hadn’t seen them again after that.

Remus felt sick. He wanted to cry and scream. He wanted to disembowel Fabian and then strangle Sirius with the guts. He wanted to apparate to Sirius’ flat immediately and tell him that they should give it another shot. That he was sorry.

 _No!_ Remus told himself firmly. _Stop thinking about that._

And he tried. He tried really hard but his traitorous brain seemed to have a life on its own. Still feeling a bit wobbly, Remus left the shower and went into the kitchen to sit down at the table where Lily had already placed a pot of tea.

“You look better,” Lily noted when he took his mug.

“I feel much better, thank you very much,” he answered, “Where’s James?”

“Work. He got an emergency call, this morning.” She looked a annoyed by the fact that James had to work the day after their wedding and Remus couldn’t blame her.

They sat in silence for a moment, drinking tea, and Remus’ thoughts wandered back to last night. He didn’t get Sirius. He really didn’t, but what was even worse was that he didn’t get himself sometimes. He had thought that he was over Sirius, he really wanted to be but somehow…

A great, silvery stag suddenly appeared in the middle of the kitchen, “Peter is on his way, make some tea and look after him till I’m home,” James voice echoed through the room and both Lily and Remus looked at the fading Patronus, frowning. Seconds later, the doorbell rang and Lily winced but immediately jumped to her feet and hurried to the door. She returned with a devastated looking Peter and sat him down on the chair, while Remus poured him a cup of tea.

“Merlin – what happened?” Lily asked but Peter only shook his head, staring at the table, his eyes unfocused and empty. He seemed to be in some kind of shock.

Lily looked at Remus helplessly but he could only shrug. A few moments later, the door opened again and James came in, followed by Sirius, both were looking like they were about to break down.

“Lily, take Peter to the bedroom and give him a Sleeping Draught,” James ordered his wife. His voice sounded tired and flat. Lily complied and soon enough, Peter was lying in the very bed Remus had woken up in, fast asleep.

“What happened?” she asked again, when they had all sat together at the kitchen table. Despite the tension, Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable sitting this close to Sirius.

James swallowed, “There was another attack last night,” he began but his voice failed.

“They’re all dead,” Sirius suddenly spoke. His voice was hoarse and strange but he seemed a bit calmer than James, “His dad, the girls…all dead. The Mark was there too. Peter spent the night at Marlene’s and found them this morning when he got home.”

When Sirius had finished, a heavy silence fell over them. Nobody really knew what to say. They had all known Mr. Pettigrew and Peter’s sisters quite well and this was just too much to comprehend. Remus didn’t know how long they had sat there but eventually James and Sirius had to return to the office and Remus and Lily were left behind to take care of Peter once he would wake up.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

The funeral was a quiet affair. The Marauders had all worked together to organize it and to take some of the burden off Peter who was still in shock and hardly ever spoke more than one or two sentences. It had not been possible for the Aurors to find the responsible Death Eaters and the increasing number of attacks made it difficult to keep up with the cases.

Sirius’ one – night stand with Fabian after the wedding was already half forgotten and Sirius was glad that they both saw it as what it had been: just a bit of fun. However, he actually didn’t have much time to think about those things because he spent even more time in his office now and whenever he wasn’t working he was on some kind of mission for the Order.

“We need to find out more about Voldemort’s plans. Who are his supporters? Where does he get his money from? What kind of secret weapons does he possess?” Moody barked. His lost eye had been replaced by an electrical blue, magical one which seemed to be able to see pretty much everything and made him look even scarier than he did anyway. The Order meeting took place in the Hog’s Head, a shabby looking pub in Hogsmeade, and Sirius was surprised to learn that Aberforth, the owner of the pub, was Dumbledore’s brother. He hadn’t even known Dumbledore had a brother.

“I think the money is clear,” Sirius remarked, “There are a lot of old, rich families who sympathize with his ideas and support him financially.”

“Like your family, Black?” Kilian Hume, an old, grey wizard asked.

Sirius had never really liked him and he found it especially unfair that his family’s reputation should reflect on him just because of his sodding surname.

“Yes, Hume, like my family,” he answered, trying to keep his voice calm.

“The Blacks are not the only ones, though,” Lily pitched in, “The Malfoys are confirmed followers of Voldemort. Just like Nott, Crabbe, Goyle, and Merlin knows who else. I imagine that he also has allies outside of England although it should be difficult to prove that.”

“Lily is right, basically every single one of the ancient, old – fashioned pure – blood families are potential supporters of You – Know – Who,” Alice threw in, “And, how some of the attacks show, he also must have some of the Dark Creatures following his lead.”

Sirius could see Remus shift uncomfortably in his seat.

“You’re thinking off Greyback,” he asked and Alice nodded, “Maybe you’re right but for me it’s hard to believe that Greyback would take orders from anybody but himself.”

“I think you’re underestimating his greed. If Voldemort pays him enough money, he sure as hell wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to go on a little hunt,” Moody said, “I’ve dealt with him enough times to know that he has a preference for little boys and if he gets something else out of it then fresh blood, for him it’s a good bargain.”

“So…what do you suggest?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing we can do about it. The werewolves will not negotiate with us. We have nothing to offer; not with the recent werewolf – restriction laws that that Umbridge woman enforced.”

Sirius grimaced. Of course he had seen the new laws. It was sickening, really. Like werewolves were no longer people but rather monsters with the intention to take over the world. He threw a glance at Remus and decided that it was time to change the subject.

“So if we can’t do anything about that. What can we do? Sure, we still watch the potential meeting points and try to gain information but that can’t be all, can it?” he asked, almost desperately. He wanted to do something. Anything.

“I’m afraid not, Black. We can hardly keep up with the incoming cases in the Auror Department as it is, let alone that we actually find any evidence. Those fools in the Ministry are still trying to ignore the danger to keep everyone calm, like that would keep anyone alive when a group of Death Eaters stands in front of your door.”

Highly frustrated, the meeting slowly dissolved. Sirius, Remus, James, Lily and a few others, however, stayed a bit longer, drinking Butterbeer and trying to find some solutions to their problems. Only now, Sirius noticed that Peter had not been there. He turned to Marlene who sat at the other end of the table to ask her where he is, but she only shrugged.

“I don’t know. He broke up with me a few days ago,” she said, staring sadly at her drink. Sirius blinked. He had not known that Peter had ended things with her. Now that he thought about it, he had not seen Peter since the funeral.

 _Poor bloke_ , he thought.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus was surprised to find a letter from Dumbledore at home.

 

_Dear Remus,_

_Please meet me next Saturday at the Shrieking Shack at 3 p.m. and don’t tell anyone where you are going. I can assure you that these strange arrangements are necessary and I ask you to trust me._

_Albus Dumbledore_

Remus frowned.

_What does that even mean?_

Why would Dumbledore want a secret meeting with him? It didn’t make any sense, so Remus decided to ban it from his thoughts. He would find out soon enough.

 

The week went by without any further disruptions and Remus Apparated punctually at 3 p.m. to Hogsmeade to go the last meters to the Shrieking Shack by foot. He was surprised to find Dumbledore already waiting.

“Hello Remus, it is good to see you,” he greeted him with a kind smile.

“It good to see you too, Professor.”

“Now, I can imagine that you are very curious as to why I should ask you to meet me under such peculiar circumstances. “

“I – I am,” Remus admitted.

“It is quite easy, actually. I will have to ask you to do something for me but first it is of utmost importance that you swear not to tell anyone of your mission.”

“Mission, sir?”

“I want you to do something for me, Remus. It will be difficult and dangerous and I cannot guarantee for your safety nor can I promise you that my plan will work but it is mandatory that we try. I trust you Remus, and I’m afraid that you are the only one that is able to go.”

Remus frowned. He had a feeling that he knew exactly what Dumbledore was going to ask of him. The question was, did he want to accept?

“You are going to ask me to join a pack, aren’t you? You want me to make friends with the werewolves and to convince them to join us.”

“I know it is a lot to ask for but it would be a great victory to have some of the so called Dark Creatures support us against Voldemort.”

Remus nodded. Dumbledore was right of course, and it was not like Remus hadn’t had the same thought already but still he was hesitating. Joining a pack meant giving in to everything he had been fighting against all those years. It meant leaving everything behind.

“Of course I don’t expect you to make a decision now. You shall have time until June to think about it but I will have you to promise me not to confide in anyone. Not even you closest friends.”

“Of course, Professor. Thank you,” Remus said.

 _June,_ he mused when he got back home, _three months. Three months to think about it. Three months to say goodbye._


	8. And The Light Of A Fading Star

**Sirius**

Sirius stared absently at the letter in his hand. It wasn’t even a proper letter, merely a hasty note someone had slipped under his door.

 _Not someone,_ he thought. _Regulus._

 

_Orion has set._

_Please forgive me._

That was it. Just two sentences but they were enough to keep Sirius occupied for the rest of the week. Their father was dead and Regulus was sorry. He wanted forgiveness.

 _Can I do that?_ He wondered. _After everything that’s happened? After everything he’s done? Can I forgive him?_

A part of him wanted to, so badly but the other part…

“Oi, Pads! Open the fricking door!”

Sirius jumped. He hadn’t even heard the knocking until now. Quickly, he let James inside who gave him a strange look.

“What’s up?” he asked.

Sirius had asked him to come, not without hesitation but he felt like he was about to explode if he didn’t talk to someone. Wordlessly, he handed James the note.

“Orion has set. Please forgive me?” he read, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s from Reg,” Sirius mumbled.

“Okay but –” James began but then stopped. He looked down at the note, then back at Sirius, and Sirius could see realization dawning on his face.

“Oh bloody – I’m sorry, Padfoot,” he said but Sirius only shrugged. It wasn’t his father’s death that troubled him.

“I don’t know what to do James. Should I forgive him? Or just ignore this? I don’t care that our father has snuffed it. It was about time, that but…Reg…my little brother…what if he needs help? I’ve failed him once before; I don’t want to do that again.”

“It’s your decision, Pads. I mean, let’s say he did want to opt out of Voldemort’s circle, what then? Sure, we can offer him protection but…Most people will probably not be so friendly towards him. They respect you because you’ve proven more than enough on which side you’re on, but him…he is a Death Eater after all.”

“I know. James, believe me, I know,” said Sirius wearily, “I just wish I could do something.”

“It’s your decision, mate,” James repeated, “Have you tried to contact him?”

Sirius shook his head, “Wasn’t sure if it’s safe.”

“Listen, I might have an idea. Why don’t we find out when the funeral is and there you can give him a response,” James suggested.

“I hardly think that my mother will let me anywhere near the funeral.”

“Maybe not you but she can’t keep a big, black, stray dog from entering the graveyard, can she?” he said with a smile.

Sirius looked at his friend and smiled back, “You’re a genius, Prongs.”

“Don’t you forget it,” James said and then stood up, “And now, come on. Lily asked me to invite you for dinner. Remus and Peter will be there, too.”

They left Sirius’ flat and moments later stood in front of Lily’s and James’ apartment. Remus and Peter were already sitting in the living room, while Lily was busy preparing dinner.

“Potter!” Lily shouted when they entered, “Make your arse useful and set the table.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he grumbled and vanished into the kitchen.

A few minutes later, they all sat around the small table and savoured Lily’s Spaghetti Napoli. Sirius noticed that Peter was still very quiet. He looked different, his hair had grown longer and thinner, his clothes hung loosely rom his shoulders like he had lost a lot of weight, and under his eyes Sirius could see dark shadows. He did not look well.

Remus, too, looked troubled although not half as bad as Peter, and Sirius wondered what had happened to their friendship. There was a time where they would have spoken about their problems, where they would have tried to find a solution together, but now nobody said a word. They ate in silence and the probably worst thing was that it wasn’t even an awkward silence. It was just _there._ They had nothing to say and that was the saddest part; Sirius realized, they were about to become strangers.

* * *

 

**Remus**

It had been nice from Lily to invite him but now that he sat at the table next to Peter and ate his pasta he wasn’t so sure anymore if it had been such a good idea to come. He felt strangely out of place, like he didn’t belong, which was stupid because this were his friends. This were the people he loved more than anything else.

When they had finished, Lily offered everyone a Butterbeer.

“That was lovely, Lily,” he said and Lily smiled at him broadly.

“Thank you, Remus.”

“Er –” he said. He was getting nervous and his hands were sweaty, “I – er – I need to tell you something.” His friends immediately paused mid – motion and stared at him.

“Well,” James said, “That sounds serious.”

“I’m Sirius!” Sirius said and the whole table groaned.

“Sirius?” Remus asked.

“Yes?”

“Shut up.” Remus took a deep breath. “Right. I don’t know how else to break this to you, so I’m just going to say it. I’m leaving.”

His friends gaped at him. It was completely silent and Remus waited for the bomb to explode. It never did.

“What do you – what do you mean, you’re ‘leaving?’” James asked. He looked confused.

“Dumbledore wants me to do something. Some kind of secret mission and for that I need to leave. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more, I’ve promised Dumbledore to keep quiet.”

“Right, so –”

“When are you leaving? And where are going?” Lily asked. It almost hurt to look at her but it hurt even more to look at Sirius who hadn’t said anything so far.

“Next month. And I don’t even know myself where exactly I’ll be going. Or for how long I’ll be gone. «

“Excellent. Moony’s going on a secret mission, how exciting,” Sirius suddenly said, grinning, but Remus thought that it was a bit too enthusiastic. He tried to catch Sirius’ eyes and when he did, he saw hurt, sorrow, worries.

Despite himself, Remus forced a smile on his face and said, “Your sense for excitement has always been strange, Padfoot.”

Sirius smiled back and it was shocking how convincing it was.

 _I shouldn’t be surprised, really,_ Remus thought, _Sirius has always been an exceptionally good actor and a smooth liar._

“You’re going to write us though, right?” James asked and Remus shrugged.

“I’ll try but I can’t promise.”

“Well, you’ve still got a month, eh? And it’s not like you’re not coming back so let’s just enjoy tonight. Who’s for dessert?” Lily asked and went into the kitchen.

Remus was grateful for the change of subject. He didn’t want to see the sad faces of his friends. He didn’t want to think about his mission. He just wanted to have a bit of fun now, while he still could.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

It had been a shock to learn that Remus was going to leave them for some stupid, secret mission for Dumbledore. He hadn’t realized just how much he was afraid to lose his best friend. Until now. And now it was too late.

It didn’t help matters that the following month was just as busy as the previous ones and he had hardly time to take a shower in his own flat, let alone meet with Remus before he had to leave. James and he had found out when and where his father’s funeral would take place and Sirius had written a note.

 

_Every star must fade eventually._

_Meet me at the place we sought to hide and you shall be forgiven._

_Tomorrow at noon._

Padfoot waited at the gate of the graveyard and watched the ceremony. Most of the people attending, he didn’t know, but that was not a surprise. He spotted his brother, standing beside their mother, one arm draped around her shoulders. His face was blank and hard and he had changed since Sirius had last seen him. He looked broken, and Sirius felt bad. Bad and angry because Voldemort was responsible for this and because he, Sirius, had let it happen.

When the ceremony was over, the guests left the graveyard but Regulus and his mother stayed a bit longer, looking at the grave. Regulus let go off his mother and turned around, letting her alone with her dead husband and Sirius ran forward. He could see the confusion in Regulus eyes when he saw the big, black dog approaching and he could smell fear. He let the note, which he had held in his snout, drop to the ground, wagged his tail in a friendly manner and left again. Once he was safely hidden by bushes and trees he changed back and watched his brother pick up the note. Regulus looked up from the paper and looked around, probably looking for a sign of Sirius, then he threw another look at the note. Sirius hoped that it would work. He really did.

 

The next day, Sirius waited in the den. When they had been children, Sirius and Regulus had always played hide and seek and sooner or later they would hide here. It had been their secret place. A small piece of paradise.

He waited and waited and waited. His watch told him that it was 12:30 already but he kept waiting, crouched under James’ Cloak and his eyes fixed on the entrance, wand drawn. Suddenly he heard…something. Sirius frowned. It wasn’t a human being, that much was clear. Then he could see something small and hairy. Regulus’ ferret.

It was gone before Sirius could even come out from under the Cloak. The note dropped to the ground and Sirius picked it up, almost laughing out loud when he read it.

 

_The lion is still roaring._

_Trust me and don’t contact me again._

 

Regulus was clever, no doubt. Still, Sirius couldn’t help but worry about his little brother.

When he returned to his office, Moody was already waiting for him.

“Where have you been, Black?” he shouted.

“Busy,” Sirius simply said and sat down at his desk. His in – box was spilling over and with an over dramatic sigh he began to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun facts which most of you probably already know:  
> The Blacks have this thing where they name their children after stars, so...
> 
> Orion (Sirius' and Reg's dad) = A constellation named after a figure in Greek mythology, Orion the Hunter
> 
> Sirius = Canis Majoris, the Dog Star, and the brightest star in the sky
> 
> Regulus = Alpha Leonis or Leo


	9. And The Heavens Shall Burn

**Remus**

It had been a month.

One bloody month which he had spent with a small pack in Russia. As it had soon turned out, the packs in England and Wales were all too scared of Greyback to do anything remotely related to opposing him and Scotland was known to be a werewolf free area except for the occasional loner.

The last few weeks at home had been horrible, to say the least. Every time he saw one of his friends it had been awkward and sad, the only exception had been Lily had who simply ignored the fact that he had been about to leave and acted as if nothing was wrong; Remus loved her for that. His actual departure had been a relieve. He had said goodbye to his friends in advance so that he could just Apparate straight to Moscow.

That had been almost three months ago.

Now he was living somewhere in the woods with six fellow wolves. No one trusted him but no one chased him away either and that, Remus mused, was definitely an improvement to his other encounters with packs.

There had been one especially nasty situation with an alpha wolf during the full moon that had left Remus half dead at the shores of a river; the cuts on his back still hurt like hell.

This pack, however was more promising. Slowly, very slowly, they began to be a little bit less frosty towards him. All of his pack mates were Muggles, except for Hannah, the alpha wolf. Hannah was also the nicest of them all. She was young, only sixteen, but Remus reckoned that she could probably fight a whole army of Death Eaters on her own and win. She was made of steel.

“Alright, everyone! We’ll stay here for the night!” she shouted when they reached a clearing in the trees. They set up a camp and made fire. Remus kept his distance like always and was surprised to find Thomas, the oldest member of the pack, telling him to sit with him and two of the others.

Next to Thomas sat Olga, a Russian woman a bit older then Remus, her hand was clasped to her mate’s, Vadim. Remus had hardly spoken to them but he was curious what they had to say.

“So, John. You’re quiet one, aren’t you?” Thomas asked but continued without waiting for an answer, “I’m curious, how come you’ve never had a pack before? Because it is quite obvious that you haven’t.”

“Never needed one before.” Remus answered. It wasn’t even a lie and Remus tried to stay calm because he knew that those people would detect nervousness in no time and he had absolutely no excuse to be nervous.

“Never needed one, indeed? And why has that changed?”

“You’ve ever heard of Lord Voldemort?” Remus asked. Thomas frowned, and Olga and Vadim started laughing.

“Lord Voldemort? What’s that supposed to be? A new marking campaign?” Olga asked sniggering.

“He’s a wizard. A dark wizard, not exactly friendly towards werewolves, or any Dark Creatures at that. Anything non – Pureblood, he sees as his enemy. A lot of people have died because of him.”

“You’re on the run, then,” Thomas concluded.

“Something like that. I don’t have anywhere else to go. I was looking for a pack to take me in when things got narrow but all the packs in England answer to Fenrir Greyback, a bloodthirsty, crude werewolf and follower of Voldemort. I didn’t want that.”

“Understandable, but tell me, John, why are you really here?” Thomas asked, his eyes narrowed and fixed on Remus. Remus held his gaze. He had to think quickly because this man was far more intelligent than he let on and Remus had made the mistake of underestimating him.

“Why would I be here?”

“You didn’t just stroll around, looking for a pack. You haven’t been shunned from society. I can tell that you’ve been bit as a child, still you’re very educated and you have better manners then all of us. The smell of human life all over you, telling me that you’ve never lived in the company of other wolves but only in the company of men. You’re a wizard. I’m sure you would have had other options than joining a shitty pack in Russia. So I’m asking again, why are you here?” his voice was dangerously low now and Remus became aware that the rest of the pack had joined them as well.

“Alright,” he said slowly, “Alright. My full name is Remus John Lupin and I’m a member of the Order of the Phoenix, a secret society that is currently fighting against Voldemort and his followers. I’ve been sent to look for allies amongst the packs in Europe.” Remus let out a breath and waited. Now, it was up to them to react to his revelation.

“And why would we do that? Why would we help you in your war against Voldemort?” this time it was Hannah that spoke, “I know what that wizard has done but why would we bother to fight against him? This is not our war. It is not yours either, Remus John Lupin. The English Ministry of Magic has never done anything for us except declare us for prey and monsters, making it impossible for us to live a normal life. They are forcing us to be outcasts. Why should we help them now?”

“Because if Voldemort wins, werewolves will not be safe anymore, no matter where they life. It’s true, the Ministry forces us to life a life like this but Voldemort won’t let us live at all. Once he’s in power he will hunt us down, one by one. Do you want that? You’re not bad people. None of you. And I can’t promise you that things will change when we defeat Voldemort but I can promise you that you will live. Isn’t that something?” Remus looked around. Was he just imagining it or was there a trace of doubt in their eyes? Was it possible that they were actually considering to help?

“I can see your pint but I’m not convinced,” Hannah said eventually, “I have a duty towards my pack. I will not send them blindly into some war.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Remus said drawing hope, “Come with me to England, you can talk to Dumbledore, he is the leader of the Order and he can protect you. No one needs to fight if they don’t want to fight.”

He could see Hannah considering his words. “Alright.” She nodded, “I will go to England with you. Tomorrow. Thomas, while I’m gone you are going to be in charge. I trust you to make the right decisions.” She turned around and left.

The rest of the pack, too, slowly backed away and Remus couldn’t believe his luck. He had actually managed to convince a pack to fight for their side.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

The door opened and every head in the room immediately turned to see Moody, James and Lily entering, everyone was holding their breath and when Moody shook his head it was one shocked exhale that went through the room.

Emmeline let out a choked cry, breaking down to the floor, tears streaming over her face. She was immediately surrounded by people who were trying to support her. Moody’s eyes lingered on the women for a moment before a crossed the room.

“Who?” Sirius’ question echoed through the room although it had been hardly more than a whisper.

“We lost Dorcas, Benjy and Kilian, and Caradoc is missing,” Moody answered.

Sirius swallowed hard and tried not to look at Emmeline who was now crying silently. They had lost so many people during the last month. Too many.

“Do we know who it was?”

“Voldemort himself was there, also his closest followers. The Lestranges, Malfoy, Dolohov, Travers. But that is just guess work.”

Sirius felt a wave of anger, hearing the name of his cousin. He only hoped that Reg hadn’t been there. He hadn’t had any kind of contact with him since the den and he didn’t like it. It was driving him mad, not knowing what was going on.

_Hell, I don’t even know if he’s still alive._

And of course there was Remus. He had been gone for three months now and not once had he written or otherwise contacted them, and Sirius was worried.

The rest of the day was filled with silence and Sirius went home with James. They had made a habit out of it, so that Sirius was now almost living at their place and only entered his own flat whenever he needed a fresh stash of clothes.

“Remus,” Sirius said dumbfounded when he entered the flat. On the sofa, right next to Lily sat in fact Remus Lupin, smiling wearily at his friends.

“Hello.” His voice was thin and now that Sirius took a closer look, so was his whole body, like he hadn’t eaten properly since he had left.

“I didn’t know you’d be back.”

“Me neither. Not until yesterday night.”

“Are you going to stay?”

“Maybe. I don’t know yet. It’s not my decision anyway. I’ve got to wait for what Dumbledore says.”

They all sat down on around the kitchen table and Lily made tea.

“Well? Are you going to tell us where you’ve been?” Sirius asked and noticed too late that his voice sounded a bit snappy.

“I can’t. I’m sorry” And he really did look sorry, his eyes cast down and not meeting Sirius’ gaze. Sirius opened his mouth to say something but James’ hand on his arm held him back.

“Have you –” James started, “I mean. Do you know what happened around here while you were gone?”

“Not really, no.”

“Right.” Sirius and James exchanged a look. They really had no desire to go through all that again but Remus had a right to know. “Well, it wasn’t good. We lost a lot of people, Remus.”

“Who?”

James swallowed and looked at Sirius as if to say ‘your turn’, “Right after you’ve left, we found the whole McKinnon family in their house, the Dark Mark was hovering over it. Shortly after that, the Bones family, today we lost Kilian, Benjy and Dorcas, and Caradoc disappeared and – and –” his voice failed. He didn’t know how to break it to Remus. Any anger he might have felt when he saw Remus earlier was now gone.

“And what?” Remus asked, not even bothering to shut out the fear in his voice.

“Your parents, Remus – I’m so sorry.”

He could see something breaking in Remus’ eyes and his own heart was slowly breaking with it.

* * *

 

**Remus**

 

Remus felt like time was passing him and leaving him behind. He stood still while the world kept spinning and spinning and spinning and he had no desire to move with it. He just wanted to stay here.

He was looking down on his parents’ graves, trying to feel but there was nothing. Just emptiness. No tears, no anger, no sorrow.

“I loved you,” he said to the headstones. They didn’t answer.

It was November and the wind was cold on his skin. Feeling numb, Remus returned to his tiny flat, waiting for something to happen. Anything. He didn’t have to wait for long.

“Hanna and I have gone through the most relevant details, I’d like you to meet us in the Hog’s Head,” the phoenix faded and Dumbledore’s voice with it.

Remus sighed and got up. Minutes later he entered the pub in Hogsmeade and saw Dumbledore and Hannah sitting in a dark corner.

“Hello Remus,” Dumbledore greeted him.

“Hello, sir.”

“An astonishing friend you have here, Remus,” Dumbledore said, nodding towards Hannah and Remus restrained from pointing out that they were hardly friends, “We have discussed all the relevant points and she assured me that she would help us find more packs.”

“I can’t leave my pack but I also can’t ask them to fight in a war they might not survive. They are all Muggles; they are helpless against an army of Death Eaters but we can help to find more packs. Try to make allies,” Hannah said and Remus nodded. He hadn’t expected Hannah to lead her wolves into battle. He was glad that she didn’t.

“I want you to go with Hannah, once more. You will leave in a month and I expect you to keep me up – to – date,” Dumbledore said, before he stood up, “I wish you a pleasant evening.”

“He’s odd,” Hannah pointed out once Dumbledore was gone.

“You have no idea,” Remus mumbled. He was tired and just wanted to sleep.

“You okay?” Hannah asked.

“Yeah.”

“No you’re not.”

Remus looked at her in surprise. For the first time since they had met, he realized how much she reminded him of Sirius. Her hair was long and black, her skin pale and her stormy, grey eyes looked at him intensely. She could have been his sister. Even her grin was the same.

»What is it? «

_My parents are dead. I’m losing my friends. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him –_

“Nothing, just…you remind me of someone I know.”

* * *

 

**Sirius**

A few weeks later, Sirius, James, Elphias and Emmeline were on another mission for the Order. They were supposed to protect Lucinda Kolb, the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamont, from potential attacks. In a few days, there would be a trial against Leonard O’Reilly, a suspected Death Eater of Voldemort’s inner circle.

“This is pointless. Like anyone’s going to attack her in the middle of the day,” James muttered and Sirius chuckled. He was right of course. It was the third day already that they were shadowing Kolb and nothing had happened.

“It’s not pointless if nothing happens. Besides. We’re lucky aren’t we? The Prewetts got Minchum,” Elphias said.

Sirius grimaced, “Wouldn’t mind him being taken out,” he muttered, “What? I’m just saying,” he added when Emmeline and Elphias gave him a hard look.

“Well don’t. He’s an idiot but at least he’s against Voldemort. Would you rather, one of your cousins was Minister of Magic?”

“That is not what I said,” he defended himself.

Emmeline opened her mouth to reply something but a sudden, “Constant vigilance!” made them all jump. They looked around, frantically searching for a sign of Moody but all they saw was James half lying on the floor and laughing like a lunatic.

“Prat.”

 

At the end of the day, the group returned to the Auror Headquarters where the rest of the Order was already waiting. It was a small rest and every time Sirius saw who they had lost his heart began to ache. It was quite in the room and Sirius didn’t even have to see their faces to know that something had happened.

“This is the fifth time now that this happened! If I didn’t know any better, I would say someone’s been leaking information,” Moody barked.

Sirius frowned. He didn’t need any further knowledge to know what it was. The only question was, ‘who is it this time’?

“No one would do that, though,” Gideon argued. He was bleeding from a cut at his head and his hair was covered in dirt, “Nothing’s happened. It was close, though.”

“Coincidence,” Fabian added and his brother nodded.

“There is no such thing as a ‘coincidence’! I want to know who did this! Those bastards knew that you two would be alone with Minchum and that Kolb was covered by the stronger force and who knew that, eh? Just the members of the Order.”

Sirius swallowed. He could see Moody’s point but it was hard to believe that anyone would rat them out to the Death Eaters. He looked around. Everyone had a similar expression on their face; worry, paired with fear and disbelieve.

“Right. Order meeting tonight at the Hog’s Head,” Moody announced before leaving the room. The rest of the Order followed, leaving Sirius behind.

“Padfoot?” he turned around and saw Peter, who had also stayed.

“Hi, Wormtail.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. Just…it’s just shit, innit? Now we can’t even rust ourselves. What comes next?”

“I trust you,” Peter said and for a moment he was that podgy, little boy again that he used to be when they had all been in school.

“I trust you too. All of you. Always have. Always will,” Sirius said. Something lit up in Peter’s eyes but as soon as Sirius realized it, it was gone.

“What?” he asked and Peter averted his eyes.

“Nothing, just…have you ever noticed…I mean…” he took a deep breath, “Have you ever noticed who’s isn’t there when something happens?”

Sirius frowned, “What d’you mean?”

Peter shook his head, “Nothing. It’s nothing probably, I’m just being stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Pete. What do you mean, who isn’t there when something happens’?”

“Well, I mean…I’m just saying, that…I mean, Remus is gone a lot lately, don’t you think?” he blurted out, his face turning red.

“Remus? But – But he’s on that secret mission –”

“A secret mission he doesn’t tell us anything about?”

“That’s why it’s secret, Pete. We’re not supposed to know about it.” Sirius snapped and Peter winced. “Sorry,” Sirius mumbled, “Just…you’re wrong, okay?” he said firmly. _You got to be._ He added in his thoughts.

Peter nodded, “Probably. Like I said, I was just being stupid.”

And then he left too and Sirius was alone with his thoughts.

 _It’s not possible, is it?_ He asked himself. _This is Remus we’re talking about; he is not capable of betrayal._

Sirius sighed and followed the others outside. He didn’t have anything else to do, so he decided it was best to go home. However, when he left the Ministry his feet did not carry him to his own flat but to Remus’.

»Oh, bugger this. «, he mumbled and went inside. When they had left Hogwarts and moved they had all switched keys so that they had access to their friends’ flats. His heart beating fast in his chest, he opened the door to Remus’ flat but as soon as he entered the small room his heart stopped beating all together.

In the middle of the room, stood Remus, oblivious to Sirius who stood in the door, and in front of Remus, very close, stood a girl, much smaller than him, with long, black hair, her arms thrown around Remus’ neck and her lips pressed against his. Sirius’ managed to quickly close the door before they realized he had been there. He felt sick. Sick and angry. And just who the fuck did that girl think she was, snogging his Moony!

 _Who the fuck does Remus think he is, snogging some stupid bitch?_ An angry voice in the back of Sirius’ head added, Sirius tried to ignore the fact that it had an excellent point and Apparated home.

When he went to the Hog’s Head a few hours later, Remus was the only one not attending.

* * *

 

**Remus**

For that one month that they left before going back to Russia, Hannah had been staying with Remus in his flat so that Remus had been forced to sleep on the sofa.

“Do you want some tea?” he asked.

Hannah smiled but said nothing as she approached slowly.

“Later,” she said and then she was in front of him and her hands were behind his neck and her mouth was pressed on his and it all happened so quick that Remus didn’t even have time to react. He simply stood there, shocked and confused, trying to comprehend what was going on. _Bloody hell, what the – wait – wait – kissing. She’s kissing me! She’s fucking kissing me! Why is she kissing me?!_

Somehow, he managed to get a hand between their bodies and pushed Hannah away.

“What the – What are you doing” he asked.

Hannah smiled sweetly, “What did it look like?”

“No. No, that can’t – I can’t.”

“Why not? What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing, you’re lovely.”

“Then why can’t you? Come on, Remus John Lupin. Be my mate.”

“No, I – I’m gay,” he breathed and was surprised by his own words.

Hannah blinked, then she smiled again, taking a step back, “Oh well then, you’re loss,” she said and winked.

Remus stared at her in disbelief. _Have I just -? Merlin, I have._ The realization of what he had just said slowly sank in but surprisingly it did not make him feel bad. In fact, it felt good. Really good.

 _I’m gay._ He thought. _Sirius –_

He quickly stopped himself there. He should not think of Sirius. Especially not now.

“I think you mentioned tea?” Hannah’s voice pulled him back into reality and Remus nodded automatically and went into the kitchen to boil some water.

 

The next day he was invited by Lily to come over for tea while Hannah would stay in is flat; they had agreed not to mention to anyone that she was here and, what was even more important, that there was a connection between Remus and her.

“Wow, you look happy,” he remarked when he entered the living room and saw Lily standing in the doorway, beaming at him.

“She’s got the plague.” Remus swivelled around; he hadn’t noticed Sirius who was sitting on the sofa giving him a strange look.

“I’m pregnant, you prat,” Lily snapped but she was still grinning.

“That’s what I said,” Sirius insisted and stood up, “It’s like it’s contagious or something. First Molly, then Alice, now you.”

“You are such an idiot,” Lily said affectionately.

Remus was speechless, “Wow, I – that – that’s wonderful news, Lils! Congratulations!”

He gave her a tight hug, which caused the grin on Lily’s face to become even bigger before it faltered slightly.

“You’re going to be there, aren’t you? When the baby’s coming.”

“Of course I’ll be there. How could I miss that?” Remus asked.

Of course he knew the answer to that question. He was about to leave again and he had no idea for how long but he would be there for his friend. There was no way he would miss that.

James came home, bringing Peter along and the Marauders spend the rest of the day celebrating and it was almost like they were all back in Hogwarts again.


	10. The World Is So Cold (Now That You've Gone Away)

**Sirius**

 

The year ended and Remus seemed to be gone again; only this time he had never said goodbye. Sirius didn’t know what to think about that or rather he tried to suppress all thoughts. If he let himself feel, if just for one second, then there was a whole storm inside of him – there was anger and disappointment and fear but mostly there was hurt because this was Remus he was thinking about.

And he waited.

He waited for any sign of his friend but there was nothing and so New Year’s came and went by and January became February became March and the snow melted, leaving the city cold and empty, just like his mind.

And just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Sirius realized that, until now, nothing earthshattering had happened yet.

 

“ _Petrifucus Totalus_!”

“ _Protego_! “

“ _Reductio_!”

“ _Avada Kedavra_!”

“Get Lily out of here for fuck’s sake!”

They had not expected the attack.

Sirius, James, Lily and Peter had sat peacefully in the garden of James’ parents when suddenly the Death Eaters had started to Apparate right in front of them. It was chaos but the worst part was that James’ parents were inside of the house and that Lily, pregnant Lily, was out here, endangered to get hit by a spell any second now.

“The Mudblood’s mine!” Sirius’ blood began to boil.

 _Bellatrix_.

Blind with rage, he began to shoot any curse he could think of against the Death Eaters, while James fought his way through to the house to keep Lily safe, and Peter lay on the floor, unconscious.

Relieved, Sirius saw that James had managed to bring Lily inside. His next realization was, that he was now alone against six or seven Death Eaters.

 _Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart,_ Sirius thought bitterly, before charging. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, Sirius set forward, casting Stunning spells as fast as he could, ducking under the curses of the Death Eaters.

Then, a lot of things seemed to happen at once.

Four or five other figures Apparated into the garden, attacking the Death Eaters, a heart – breaking cry came from inside the house and one of the Death Eater’s spells hit Sirius right in the chest. The impact took his breath away and he stumbled backwards several steps but he wasn’t dead. Sirius looked down, blood beginning to soak through his shirt. Another cry sounded in the house and despite the agonizing pain, Sirius ran towards the door. He entered the kitchen stopped dead at the sight that presented itself. On the kitchen floor lay Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, motionless, eyes wide open. James was crouching in front of his parents, his face strained in horror, covered in dust and tears. Lily stood behind him and it looked like she was unable to even process what she saw. Sirius couldn’t blame her.

The pain in his chest got worse and he was very sure that the floor underneath him was covered in blood but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the Potters.

The Potters, who were so much more his parents than his actual parents had even been.

The Potters, who had taken him in like a son and that had loved him unconditionally. Something exploded outside in the garden but Sirius didn’t care. He couldn’t. He felt his knees giving in and the last thing he heard was Lily, calling his name.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Of course he felt guilty for just leaving without telling anyone but somehow Remus didn’t think they would particularly miss him. He had hardly seen them during the last month and his friends seemed to be getting along perfectly without him. Of course he knew that that had to happen eventually; they had never really needed him after all.

When Hannah and he arrived in Russia he tried his best no to think of Sirius because that really was the last think he needed right now.

It was getting close to full moon again and Remus could feel the wolf inside of him, fighting against his self – restraint as they walked through the woods. When they reached the clearing where they had last seen the others, the clearing was empty and there was no sign of anyone having been there lately. Hannah frowned and closed her eyes, Remus knew she was trying to sense her pack mates. In the meantime, he took a closer look at is surroundings. It had obviously rained not so long ago, the ground was damp and muddy but still, Remus had a feeling that the other wolves must have left much earlier than just a few days ago.

“Something’s happened,” he said and looked at the girl.

“What do you mean?” Hannah asked.

Remus didn’t answer right away, maybe the war back home had made him paranoid but he didn’t have a good feeling here.

“I’m not sure,” he muttered, then halted. At the edge of the clearing was a little cave, it wasn’t much but even during the rain the inside had stayed dry. Remus felt his stomach tighten; on the floor inside the cave was something that looked suspiciously like –

“Blood.”

“What?”

“There’s blood on the ground,” Remus pointed to the cave and Hannah immediately rushed towards the entrance to take a closer look.

“It’s dried but it’s definitely Thomas’, I can smell him,” she said.

She looked worried and Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy as well, he hadn’t had the best time while living with this pack, they had still treated him appropriated and much better than any other pack he had met the months before that. They had, after all, taken him in.

“Let’s just hope he’s okay,” he said before they both took off into the woods on search for further signs. They wandered around aimlessly for a while, before Hannah smelled something.

“That way,” she pointed into the covert and then ran. Remus swore and followed her as fast as he could. Soon enough, Remus had lost any sense of direction and merely hoped that Hannah knew where she was going.

 _A hell of a werewolf I am,_ Remus thought bitterly while he was trying not to break his neck, _getting lost in the woods._

Suddenly, Hannah stopped and Remus nearly ran her over.

“Geez, give me a warning next time,” he grumbled but shut up as soon as he saw Hannah’s face. A look of pure horror mirrored in her eyes and although he really, really, _really,_ didn’t want to, he slowly turned around to see what she was seeing. The two werewolves looked down on a glen, a very harmonic and beautiful glen, if there hadn’t been five heads skewered on stakes building a circle around what looked like a camp.

“What the fuck?” was all Remus managed to whisper, once his brain processed the scene in front of him. Hannah whimpered quietly and then let out a deep growl. Remus turned his head to look at her; her eyes were narrowed and dangerously dark, she looked more like an animal than the small 16 - year old girl she was supposed to be.

“Don’t,” he said, laying a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off and glared at him so that Remus stepped back a bit.

“You,” she hissed and Remus immediately realized his mistake. Of course, Hannah would blame him because he was the one that had convinced her to leave her pack in the first place.

“Hannah, no,” he said firmly, despite the tight knot in his throat. He knew that that girl could probably shred him to pieces in no time and she didn’t even need a wand, “Whatever you think I’ve done, I am not responsible for this. I’m not.”

“You lured me away. You betrayed us all and I was stupid enough to trust you.”

Remus drew his wand, he didn’t want to hurt Hannah but if he had the choice between being attacked by her and attacking her first than he would choose the self – defence any time.

“Would you please think about that for a moment? It doesn’t make sense. You’ve heard Dumbledore, you know about the war in England. Why would I come to Russia to attack a small pack that doesn’t even has any influence in its own country?”

“What the fuck do I know? You could have millions of reasons and I don’t give a shit. You killed my pack. You’re going to pay for that.”

Remus swallowed hard and was just readying himself for Hannah’s attack when suddenly a group of masked men stepped out of the shadows, grabbing both Hannah and him.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, not so fast,” a cold voice said. A tall man stepped in front of Remus, looking at him and then at Hannah with amusement, “Now, who do we’ve got here?” he asked with a wide grin. He, as the only person, didn’t wear a mask and something about his face made Remus’ blood freeze. A pair of ice – cold, blue eyes pierced into him, his hair was long and dark with grey strands and his whole body seemed to be covered in scars.

Still smirking the man made a step towards Hannah and took her face into his hand, horrified, Remus realized that his finger nails were long and yellow.

“Pretty thing you are and still so young,” he purred, leaning closer with his face. Hannah looked at him like she was ready to kill him just by will power, when he their noses almost touched she suddenly spit him in the face.

“Don’t fucking touch me you fucking freak,” she snapped and struggled against the hold on her arms.

“And fierce she is. I like you, it’s shame that you will have to die too but before that…” he didn’t end the sentence but alone by the look he gave her it was quite clear what would happen before that.

He turned to Remus, “And I know you too of course although I believe I never had the chance to introduce myself properly. My brother was quite fond of you I must say and he was not happy that you got away.”

_Those eyes._

Suddenly, it struck Remus, “Greyback,” he muttered and couldn’t quite suppress a shiver.

The werewolf laughed, “That’s right, pup. You’ve met my brother. My name is Lycaon and I can quite see why Fenrir chose you.”

Remus thought he might be getting sick. It was all too much...

“What do you want from us, Greyback?” he asked as scornful as possible.

“Whatever let you think I would actually want something? We were merely curious who it was that dared to come near our camp, now seeing who we’ve got here it’s even better. An alpha wolf without a pack and the long lost son of my brother,” Lycaon looked like he had just gotten his birthday and Christmas present at the same and Remus felt his fear slowly turning into anger. He would not let this happen. He tried to jerk himself free but the two men that were holding him were too strong.

“Now I think that’s enough for today. Chelsky, Pinior, show the puppy his new home. And _you_ ,” he turned to Hannah, “you are going to come with me.”

Remus was half carried away, still trying to break free.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Sirius woke up, feeling utterly miserable. His head hurt and his brain felt like it had been transfigured into fog. He didn’t dare move, there was a distinctly throbbing pain in his chest. He wondered where he was and what had happened that had left him feel like complete shit when it suddenly hit him. The pictures of the fight at the Potter’s house came rushing back and he winced, immediately wishing that he could go back to sleep.

“Sirius. Thank Merlin,” a familiar, female voice was talking to him, telling him to stay still. Sirius wasn’t sure who it was, just that it didn’t mean danger and so he obeyed and closed his eyes again. More people seemed to be around him, talking to him, or rather, talking at him but he hardly understood a word of what was being spoken.

_Euphemia and Fleamont._

He saw them lying on the floor, not breathing and his heart broke into a million pieces. He felt tears running down his cheek but he didn’t care. For once, he felt he had every right to cry.

“Padfood.” It wasn’t loud, merely a whisper but Sirius opened his eyes at once. He hadn’t even noticed that all the people were gone. All of them, except James. He sat next to Sirius’ bed and looked like he had just gone through hell. His eyes were red and swollen and Sirius was sure that he, too, had been crying recently, his hair was too long and he hadn’t shaved.

“Padfood,” he said again, his voice hoarse and filled with pain.

“Prongs,” Sirius responded.

There was nothing more to say. Absently, Sirius realized that James had taken his hand and was now holding it tightly. They sat in silence, looking at each other and crying until Lily came back in and Sirius realized that it had been her that had talked to him at first and that he was in St. Mungos. Without a word, Lily took James’ hand and led him out of the room. She was back moments later, looking at him intently.

“How do you feel? Physically?” she asked.

“Chest hurts,” Sirius muttered.

Lily nodded and took a look at the wound, “That was nasty spell, I’ve never seen something like it,” she said and Sirius could tell that she was mostly talking to keep him distracted from his own thoughts, “You were out for days, we were afraid that –” her voice failed and Sirius could see tears shimmering in her eyes. She continued working in silence, treating his wounds and then giving him a potion against the pain.

 

For the next couple of day, Sirius was mostly alone and he was grateful for that. His only visitor was James who would sit beside him every day. They never spoke much but it helped nonetheless to have his brother by his side. The cut on his chest slowly healed and Sirius could move again without feeling like he was being ripped in two.

He learned that everyone, except the Potters, had survived and that the Order took charge of the funeral arrangements.

He was told that they didn’t get any of the Death Eaters and that since then there hadn’t been any further attacks.

Sirius registered all of it but couldn’t get himself to care. He still felt numb most of the times, like his brain refused to comprehend what had happened.

A week passed, then another, and Sirius was still in St. Mungos although he was, by now, allowed to move around.

He felt a bit better, the funeral had been hard. Half of the Order had been there, a few teachers from Hogwarts, and people Sirius had never seen before. He was just glad that he had James. Lily was already in her seventh month and tried to avoid anything that might upset her any further and there still hadn’t been any news from Remus. As far as they knew, he could be dead.

* * *

 

**Remus**

_I’m not dead yet. I’m not dead yet. I’m not dead yet._

It was a mantra, Remus repeated over and over in his head for days, weeks, maybe even months. He didn’t know.

_I’m not dead yet. I’m not dead yet. I’m not dead yet._

After he had been brought into the camp, Chelsky and Pinior had beaten and kicked him until he had lost consciousness. When he had woken up again, it had been the middle of the night, tied to a tree. His clothes and wand had been gone, his whole body had hurt like hell and the only thing he had heard had been the terrible screams of a girl. Remus had tried his best to shut it out, to fall back asleep, but every time he had closed his eyes images of Hannah had appeared, bloody, beaten, broken. He had not seen her again.

Greyback’s pack had kept him bound to that tree until the next full moon and for once, Remus had been glad that he never remembered much about his transformations. The memories were blurry but even that was enough to give him nightmares. He knew that there had been fights. Bad fights. He was the new one and did not stand under anyone’s protection.

The next morning, Remus had been hurt worse than ever before.

The following moons had been just as bad.

He still had to sleep outside on the hard ground but he was not tied up anymore. He had also gotten himself some clothes, but apart from that, Remus had nothing.

This pack was brutal. Everyone was scared of Greyback but at same time they also respected him because he kept them save. No one would dare attack the pack, not even wizards.

Remus tried to make the best out of the situation although he knew that every kind of open objection could easily mean his death. There were one or two people who Remus thought to be trustworthy. Martyna and Darius were both wizards and had only joined the pack because Greyback had attacked their old one and they had chosen this over their death. It was hard to communicate with them, because Remus did not speak much Russian and Martyna did not speak much English and Darius none at all but somehow they managed and Remus did his best to gain their trust.

It was the morning after another rough full moon when Remus suddenly realized that it had to be April or May already. He rearely thought of his friends back home because every time he did he felt a stinging pain somewhere near his heart. He had never said goodbye. That was maybe his biggest regret. He had promised Lily to be there when the baby was born and he did not even know if his friends were still alive. This was fucking war; everyone could die any day.

“Remus?”

Remus strained his ears. He tried to determine to whom the voice belonged.

“Remus.” It was a female voice.

Carefully, Remus sat up, ignoring the pain in his joints and the rest of his body. It was still dim in the woods.

“Remus,” the voice said again and this time Remus definitely recognized Martyna.

He saw two dark figures standing in the shadow of the trees; Remus went up to them, now curious what they wanted.

“You must go,” Martyna whispered.

“What, why?”

“It is too dangerous. You must go. Greyback have a fight last night and we can help you to go now.”

Remus did some quick thinking. If Greyback got hurt last night he, Remus, would have a good head start.

“What about you? Come with me,” he pleaded but Martyna shook her head.

“We stay. We help you go. You must go.”

“But –” Remus began when he heard a distant noise from one of the tents.

“Go,” Martyna said intently and pushed him towards the trees. She was strong for such a small person, “Go. Go to Moscow. Dimitriv Lettesh, he help you. Go.” And with those words she turned towards the camp and approached the tents.

Remus watched for a second or two longer before he realized that she was distracting the stirring werewolves and he ran.


	11. A Sign Of Hope In Peaceless Times

**Sirius**

“What d’you reckon is wrong with Pete these days?” Sirius asked as he, James, and Lily sat in their new home. After the attack in Godric’s Hollow, the couple had decided to move into James’ parents’ house.

“Dunno. Probably a bit much for him, I mean first he loses his whole family, then we can watch half the Order being assassinated and then he’s here when –” James halted.

They still couldn’t talk about what had happened but it was all too clear what he wanted to say. “Anyway, he’s probably scared. Can’t blame him, really. Shit, _I’m_ scared,” he admitted.

“We all are, James,” Lily said. She lounged on the sofa, her head resting in James’ lap and one hand on her belly, “But we’re safe here.”

“Are we, though? To be honest, I didn’t like the sound of Dumbledore’s words last time I spoke to him. He said, once the baby’s born we would have to go into hiding because, and I quote ‘Voldemort might show a special interest in us’, I mean, what does that even mean? He always had a ‘special interest’ in us just because we’re always in the front line of the Order. What about the Battle of the Thames? Or the attack in the Ministry? What about, when Voldemort killed my parents?” James shouted in frustration.

No one said anything because of course, he was right. Voldemort had always had an interests in them. In all of them. There was no reason why Lily and James should suddenly be more in danger just because they got a child; unless of course Voldemort should be interested in the child, _but that is nonsense_ , Sirius thought.

“Pads?”

“Huh?”

“You zoned out, there for a moment? You okay?”

“Fine, just…thinking…”

“You trying to take Moony’s part over now?” James joked and Sirius chuckled lightly.

“Nah, don’t want to become a boring bookworm, do I? No, I’ve been thinking…that child…it’s just…bruh…” he had no idea what exactly he wanted to say. It was too much. Too fast. “I mean; how will it grow up? Everything’s shit now and that little kid has to live in a world full of hatred and mistrust. It’s just not fair.”

James blinked. “Didn’t know you cared,” he teased, smiling, “That’s what we’re fighting for though, isn’t it? So that our son or daughter will know something better than this.”

Sirius nodded. He still wasn’t quite convinced but he could see James’ point.

“Actually, we thought of making you the godfather,” James said.

Sirius looked up in surprise. “Me? Really?”

“Of course you, you dimwit. Who else? Unless you don’t want that, of course.”

“Unless I – Of course I want to! Merlin, this is…huge. I don’t know what say. Thank you!”

Sirius grinned at his two best friends. For the first time in months he forgot about everything that was going wrong. He forgot about the war and Voldemort. He forgot about the people they had lost, and he forgot about Remus. This was how it was supposed to be. His two best friends were going to be parents and he would spoil the child with sweets, and teach it swearwords.

The moment was gone when suddenly the image of a cat appeared in the middle of the living room.

“That’s Emmeline’s,” Lily noted and sat up. Patroni almost never meant good news.

“You should all come to the Burrow. It’s Remus. He’s back.”

* * *

 

**Remus**

It was hard to say how he had made it back to England. His escape from his camp and everything after that was a blur and the next thing he clearly remembered was lying on the damp grass in front of the Burrow, in his hand an empty bottle. When he woke up again he was lying on a very comfortable sofa in the Weasley’s living room.

“Hello there. Welcome back.” Remus turned his head and saw Emeline sitting next to him, smiling widely. “Don’t move. A few of those cuts were really nasty and I didn’t have the right equipment to treat them,” she explained as Remus tried to sit up.

Remus nodded and stayed still. He didn’t know what to say but Emeline didn’t seem to expect anything. She stood up and walked through the room.

“Molly! He’s awake, I’m going to get some potions and ointments from the hospital, could you make a cup of tea in the meantime?”

“Remus dear, we were so worried. It’s good to see you awake again. Emeline will be right back, she’s just gone to fetch some things from St. Mungos and I think she wants to tell your friends you’re here,” Molly chattered and pressed a cup of hot tea into his hand.

“’anks,” Remus croaked. His throat felt dry and raw and he was startled by his own voice.

Molly smiled in the warm, understanding way she always did and sat down where Emeline had sat moments ago. She started talking again but Remus didn’t listen. Emeline wanted to tell his friends he was back. His friends, who hadn’t even known he had been gone.

“Remus!” a highly pregnant Lily rushed towards him and flung her arms around his neck. “My god, I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried. We all were. Why didn’t you say anything for Merlin’s sake? Oh, never mind. You’re here now.” She hugged him again and Remus suddenly realized that she was crying.

“I’s okay, Lils. ‘m okay,” he whispered and Lily let go of him.

Remus eyes wandered two the other two people that had entered the room with her. Right behind Lily stood James, grinning at him like he used to after the full moon, and further back was Sirius. Sirius was not smiling. His faced seemed like it was carved out of stone, eyes fixed on him. Remus swallowed.

“Hey mate. Glad to see you alive,” James said and ruffled his hair. Remus laughed but he did not look at James, his eyes were locked on Sirius’. James noticed the awkward tension and cleared his throat. “Right. Molly, you’ve got another kid, don’t you?,” he suddenly said and dragged Lily out of the room, leaving Remus and Sirius alone. Slowly, very slowly, Sirius came closer.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“I’m –”. “Listen –”

The had both spoken at the same time and then stopped.

“You first,” Sirius whispered.

“I wanted to apologise,” Remus said, “I shouldn’t have gone off without saying anything. I’m sorry.”

“Right.” Sirius seemed to hesitate. “Well, I’m glad you’re alive. I didn’t know – I mean – you could have – you know? And I wouldn’t even –”

Remus understood perfectly what Sirius was trying to say. He shuddered. That had been his exact thoughts.

“I know. Believe me, I know. I’m sorry.”

They sat in silence for a bit longer and Sirius eyes softened a bit as he took a closer look at Remus’ injuries. He looked worried.

“It’s nothing,” Remus whispered and Sirius snorted.

“Nothing? Bloody hell you look like someone’s tried to shred you to pieces. Multiple times.”

“’s nothing.”

“James’ parents are dead,” Sirius suddenly said.

“What?”

“James’ parents. They’re dead.”

Remus stared at his friend, not quiet processing what he had just heard.

»That’s – That’s not possible,” he mumbled. The Potters had been Purebloods. Voldemort did not deliberately attack Purebloods.

“It is. I was there. I saw them, it was –” Sirius swallowed and it hit Remus that, in a way, it had been his parents as well. The Potters had been more of a family to Sirius than the Blacks had ever been. Without thinking about it, Remus took Sirius’ hand and squeezed it gently.

“Not just James’ parents,” he said, “Yours too. You were like a son to them.”

Sirius smiled sadly. “I know. I miss them, Moony.”

* * *

 

**Sirius**

Seeing Remus again after all that time had been…something. Weird, painful, relieving, thrilling.  It was the worst and the best feeling in the world. Moony was back and he had promised that he wouldn’t leave for a while. Everything could go back to normal again. Emeline had patched Remus up as good as she could and had then given him another sleeping draught, so that Remus was now lying on the sofa, looking more peaceful than ever before.

“What happened?” James asked Molly Weasley who was currently feeding her newborn son Ronald.  

“He just showed up on our lawn, covered in blood and half unconscious. Muttered something about that it was too dangerous and that he had to get away. I think he mentioned the name Greyback.”

James and Sirius exchanged a look. That did not sound good.

“Do you think he’s been attacked by that monster? Is that why he looks like that?” Molly asked concerned.

“Hard to tell, really,” Sirius said, carefully.

There weren’t many people, even in the Order who knew about Remus’ condition and he really didn’t want to be the one to tell others.

“Oh, you don’t think he’s been bitten, do you? Emeline hasn’t said anything about that.”

“I don’t think he’s been bitten last night. No,” said Sirius firmly. He didn’t like the direction this conversation was going and desperately searched for another topic. Gladly, he wasn’t the only one.

“Molly, could you answer me a few questions. I have to admit I’m a bit nervous about giving birth and you’ve done it a few times already,” Lily suddenly said, successfully distracted Molly’s attention away from Remus. Sirius had to fight back a snort, _Lily and being nervous, yeah right,_ but it served its purpose and that was all that mattered.

“Do you think he’s had a run in with Greyback?” James asked in a low voice.

Sirius frowned, “I’m not sure. He wouldn’t be so stupid to seek him out, would he?”

“This is Remus we’re talking about. He doesn’t do stupid. No, there’s something off about this.”

“Well he won’t tell us ‘course its secret,” Sirius muttered bitterly. He hated this secrecy; he just wanted his best mate back.

“Don’t be mad at him. It’s not his fault that Dumbledore probably gets off to thinks like that, you know, half – truths and secrets.”

Sirius grimaced. He really didn’t want to think about what Dumbledore might be getting off to.

 

It was late at the night when Sirius entered his flat but he didn’t feel tired at all. He just decided that it would be a wonderful idea to open a bottle of wine when someone knocked at the door. With his wand drawn, Sirius opened it, ready to hex whoever might be standing behind it.

“Regulus?” he asked surprised and lowered his wand immediately. There stood his brother, looking like misery herself. “What are you doing here?”

“I – I need your help,” Regulus whispered; his eyes were fixed on the floor.

“My help? With what?” Sirius asked suspiciously.

“I fucked up. Big time. Please. Sirius. I need your help.” He sounded so desperate, so broken that Sirius didn’t even hesitate long but instead grabbed his coat and stepped outside the flat. Regulus grabbed his arm and Apparated. Sirius took a moment to curse himself for his stupidity, Regulus could be taking him anywhere and he couldn’t do anything about it.

All the more surprised he was when he saw where Regulus had taken him. Sirius and his brother stood at the edge of a cliff, the roaring of the sea drowning out every other sound.

“Come on!” Regulus shouted and dragged Sirius forward.

Carefully they climbed down into the water and Sirius was more and more wondering what the hell this was about. They reached a cave and quickly dried themselves with a charm. Regulus looked around, like he was looking for something.

“Regulus, _what_ is going on? Why are we here? _Where_ are we?”

“I can explain, Sirius, just – just, trust me, please?” And that was all Regulus said before he approached on of the walls and took out a knife.

“Reg what –” Sirius began but shut up when he saw that Regulus cut himself and smeared the blood onto the rock. Sirius eyes widened, when suddenly silvery, glimmering lines started to appear and the wall vanished. Regulus looked very satisfied with himself and entered the door without any hesitation. Frowning, Sirius followed. He didn’t even care anay longer if this was a trap, it was too good to chicken out now.

They came into a bigger cave. The air was thick and wet, and a green – ish light filled the darkness. Regulus followed the bank of a huge lake, his hands outstretched in mid – air as if he was trying to feel something and Sirius followed his brother at some distance. He took a closer look at the lake. The water was pitch – black and completely still. Suddenly, he ran into Regulus, who had stopped, his hand apparently gripping something invisible, smiling.

 

Once they had crossed the lake with the little boat and stood on the island, Sirius saw where the green light was coming from; a stone basin with a bright, green liquid.

“Right, Regulus, that’s it. What’s going on?” Sirius asked impatiently.

“Have you – Do you know what a Horcrux is?” Regulus asked and Sirius shuddered. He did know. He remembered an especially tough lesson during his Auror training where they had spoken about dark magic.

“Yes.”

“He’s done it. The Dark Lord.”

Somehow, Sirius wasn’t surprised at all, by this revelation. But still, “How d’you know?”

“He always says how he cannot be killed. That he’s invincible. The others believe him just because he’s a great wizard –” Sirius scowled, “- he is, Sirius. He’s a very powerful wizard and you shouldn’t underestimate him. Anyway, I still found it a bit odd. No one’s invincible just because their good duellers so I did some research and came across Horcruxes but I still couldn’t quite believe that he would do something like that. I mean, it’s just wrong.”

Regulus made a pause but Sirius didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to interrupt his brother. “But then – Oh, Merlin, Sirius, I was so stupid! He asked for my help and of course I said yes. I would have done anything for him. He said that he needed our house – elf because he had to hide something very precious. Kreacher’s dead now but before he died he told me where they had gone and what the Dark Lord had hidden. It was his Horcrux. I’ve got a replica here and I need you to switch the lockets and destroy the Horcrux. Please, Sirius. I was wrong, okay? I was wrong and I’m sorry for not seeing it. I’m sorry for not going with you when I should have.” There was pleading tone in Regulus’ voice and it pained Sirius to see his brother like this.

“It’s okay,” he said, because it was, “It doesn’t matter now; what matters is that you can get out of there now. We can protect you.”

But Regulus shook his head and laughed bitterly, “Protect me? Like you could protect the Pettigrews? The Bones? The Potters? No, Sirius. You can’t protect me. No one can. I need to do this and then I will die either way. You need to promise me something, Sirius. I have to drink this potion and you have to make sure I do, okay? No matter what I do or say, I have to drink it. Can you do that?”

Sirius looked at his brother in shock. He couldn’t quite process what was happening. His brother looked so desperate, so broken, and yet there was still that fire I his eyes that all the Blacks had when they were determined to achieve something.

_The lion is still roaring._

Sirius nodded, unable to speak but it seemed enough for Regulus.

“And, Sirius. Don’t bother to get me out of here. Just take the Horcrux and then leave. Please.”

“Reg, I can’t just –”

“Sirius. Promise me.”

“For fuck’s sake, no. I will not do that! I’ve lost you before I’m not going to lose you again. I will get us both out of here and then I will protect you with my life and if Voldemort thinks he could take my little brother away from me again then he will see what kind of a Black I am.”

This time it was Regulus that looked dumbstruck and Sirius couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t remember the last time he had acted so protectively of Regulus. “You want me to trust you, then you have to trust me too,” Sirius added and to his great relief, Regulus nodded; then he began to drink.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Remus was just making some tea for himself in Lily’s and James’ house when soddenly a very distraught looking Sirius stumbled out of the fireplace.

“Where’s Lily?” he asked.

“I dunno, she –” but he was interrupted by a stream of swearing by Sirius who had already disappeared again.

Remus frowned. He couldn’t work Sirius out, at one moment it seemed like everything was okay between them and then the next one it was not. Remus felt bad enough already as it was and he didn’t really need any more trouble because of Sirius right now. He had no work and no place to live but he hadn’t told his friends that yet because he hated it to see their concerned and sorry faces. James had said that he could live with him and Lily for some time because Remus’ injuries were still quite bad and Remus was grateful for that. He was also grateful that no one asked him about what had happened. While he was drinking his tea, Remus sent a Patronus to Dumbledore, asking for a meeting to talk about their further actions. He frowned when he saw that it was still a big dog.

 _Bloody Sirius_.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

When he had finally found Lily, Sirius felt very close to an emotional breakdown. Seeing his brother in absolute agony, drinking that potion and muttering about their parents had been bad enough. The corpses that had come out of the water had been even worse.

He didn’t even remember how he had managed to get Regulus back to his flat but now he was in desperate need of help. Someone he trusted. Someone that wouldn’t turn Regulus in for being a Death Eater. Someone like Lily.

“Lily, oh thank Merlin, Lily please, I need your help,” he begged and Lily looked at him bewildered.

“Sirius, what happened?”

“I can’t – just – come with me, please. _Please?_ ”

“Oh, alright.”

“Thank you so much.”

He took her to his flat, not even thinking about what James might think or say if he found out about this, and dragged her into his bedroom. Regulus lay on the bed, sleeping. His breath was unsteady and he was way too pale.

“Sirius, is that –” Lily began but stopped himself. She turned around and gave him a look, Sirius couldn’t quite decipher.

“Just…can you help him? Please, I’ll explain everything just, do something. I don’t want him to die. I don’t want to lose him again.”

“Okay,” Lily whispered and then gave him a long list of instructions and Sirius was glad that he had something to do. Something to distract him from his own feelings and thoughts.

* * *

 

**Remus**

“Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, sir,” Remus said after sitting down in Dumbledore’s office.

“Not at all, Remus. Not at all. I hope you feel better, I hear Miss Vance is a very talented Healer?”

“She is, sir.” Remus said and wondered how Dumbledore already knew what had happened; but then again, he was Dumbledore.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Well, I was wondering what we should do next? The pack I had contact with is dead. Lycaon Greyback, the brother of Fenrir Greyback, found them and killed them. He was also the one that kept me captive. I only managed to flee because two wolves helped me; I Don’t even know if they’re still alive.”

Dumbledore nodded. He seemed to be deep in thought and Remus knew better than to disturb him.

“I thank you for telling me,” Dumbledore said, eventually, “The situation has surely changed. The attacks by Fenrir Greyback’s pack have increased during the previous months. Now, I understand that this incident with his brother puts you in danger but I will have to ask you to try once more to gain the trust of the wolves that might not agree with Greyback’s drastic views. However, there is time. You should get better at first and I am sure your friend Mrs. Lily Potter, will be thankful for your support, once the baby is there. The Potters will have to go into hiding, then because we have information that Voldemort might show great interest in the child.”

Remus frowned. What was that supposed to mean? Why would Voldemort show interest in a new born child? He was just about to ask when he saw Dumbledore’s expression; it was clear, that he would not explain the matter any further.

“Right,” he said instead, “Well, thank you anyway, sir. I’d best be going. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Remus.”

Remus opened the door of Dumbledore’s office and almost ran into a very desperate looking Sirius.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

“Moony.”

“Pads.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, before they both noticed that they still stood in the doorframe of Dumbledore’s office and Sirius remembered the reason why he came here in the first place. Remus stepped away and Sirius entered the office, giving Remus a thankful smile.

“See you later, then?” Remus asked and Sirius nodded absently. The door closed and Dumbledore gave Sirius a welcoming smile.

“Hello Sirius.”

“Sir. I have something that might interest you.”

“Do sit down.”

Sirius obliged. He had always felt a bit nervous in the Headmaster’s office. The fact that he was no longer a student didn’t change that.

“What was it that you want to talk about?”

“Oh, right,” Sirius said and pulled out the locket. “This,” he explained and put the Horcrux on the table, “My – er – my brother, Regulus, came to me last night and asked me for help. He took me to a cave somewhere at the coast where we found this. He says it’s a Horcrux.”

“Does he, indeed? And what makes your brother so sure of that?” Dumbledore asked. He didn’t even look at the locket, but had his eyes fixed on Sirius.

“Sir, I know that my brother used to be a Death Eater but he wants to get out of that. He came to me because he needed my help. He wants to help us to defeat Voldemort. He says that Voldemort always says how he is invincible and he found that odd because no one is invincible and then Voldemort asked Regulus to give the house – elf to him because he needed to hide something ‘very precious’. Regulus obeyed and the elf died but he told Regulus what had happened.”

After a long moment of silence, Dumbledore finally spoke, “I belief you, Sirius.” Sirius let out a breath of relief he hadn’t even noticed he had been holding. “However”, Dumbledore continued, “that does not mean that I belief what your brother says. I will have to talk to him myself.”

“He is currently at my flat. Lily is with him. He’s not good. He drank some kind of potion that was protecting this locket and…well I’m not sure what it was but he was half – dead when we came back.”

“I understand. Please, take me to your flat immediately.” Dumbledore stood up. Sirius was slightly taken aback by the apparent urgency but he followed Dumbledore to the fireplace.

 

“Oi, you fucking maniac! Have you lost your bloody mind? Leaving her alone with him? What if something had happened? He could have killed her! He could have called Voldemort! Do you ever fucking think before you do anything, you – oh – hello Professor.” James stood in the middle of Sirius’ living room, his face was red and he was breathing heavily but as soon as he had seen Dumbledore stepping out of the fireplace right after Sirius he had fortunately stopped shouting.

“Hello, James,” Dumbledore said. He looked bemused by the outbreak and Sirius was glad that he was there. He couldn’t blame James for being furious. He was right, it had been rather stupid to leave a Death Eater alone with a highly pregnant woman but he had been worried sick and had really needed to talk to Dumbledore. “Why don’t you show me where your brother is, Sirius.”

“Right. Of course.”

He led Dumbledore to his bedroom where he found Regulus awake, lying on Sirius’ bed exactly where he had left him and Lily was sitting next to him looking hale and hearty.

“Charming husband, you’ve got there, Evans,” Regulus just said and Lily giggled.

“I’ll talk to him,” Lily responded and left the room.

“Sirius could you leave me alone with your brother, please?” Dumbledore had phrased it like a question but it was clear that it was not a request so Sirius followed Lily without hesitation. He was not surprised to see Lily and James sitting on his sofa.

“So?” James asked, a bit calmer this time, “What were you thinking?”

“I’m sorry, James, I probably wasn’t. I was just scared for Reg because he was really sick and Lily was the only one I could think of. The only one I knew I could trust.”

The seemed to calm James even more. “Right. What’s he doing here anyway?”

“He asked me for help. He wants to break ties with Voldemort and he might know a way how to defeat him, so he came to me.”

Both, Lily and James looked surprised. They surely, hadn’t expected that.

“Wait. What do you mean ‘he might know a way how to defeat him’?”

“I – I’m not sure I’m supposed to tell you. You better ask Dumbledore.” Sirius mumbled. He felt bad because he couldn’t share this great piece of information with his two best friends. Suddenly, he understood how Remus must have felt, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” James shrugged, “Anyway. We’d best be off. Remus is all alone in the house.”

“I’ve just seen him. He was talking to Dumbledore, right before me.” Sirius told them, “So, he’s living with you then for now?”

“For now, yes,” Lily answered, “I really don’t like the idea of him living on his own while he’s still hurt. Merlin knows what they did to him.”

They left and almost at the same time as Lily and James stepped into his fireplace, Dumbledore came out of his bedroom again.

“Your brother is asleep now. He told his side of the story and I belief he tells the truth. He wants to help us. There is, however, a rather disturbing detail. Regulus told me that Voldemort has a spy within the Order, though he does not now their identity. «

Sirius swallowed.

_A spy?_

He remembered the incident months ago, when they had almost lost the Prewett brothers and Peter had suspected Remus to pass on information. But that was not possible, was it?


	12. To Dream A Dream (Is Dangerous It Seems)

**Remus**

“It’s okay Lily. It’s fine. You’re fine, just – just breathe.”

“Don’t tell me to fucking breathe, Black! I’m a Healer I know how this works but have you tried to give birth, yet? Right, didn’t think so.”

“You’re doing brilliant, Lils.”

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! What do I do? I’m gonna be a dad!”

“Shut up Prongs!”

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”

“For fuck’s sake!”

“Someone give him a Stunner!”

“OH MY GOD!”

“ _Stupefy!”_

“Thank you Peter.”

The sudden silence was a blessing for their ears. The only sound was Lily’s occasional groans of pain.

“Right guys, here I am. Shoo, shoo, get out of here.” Emeline came into the living room, were Lily was lying on the floor and Remus, Sirius and Peter were only too glad that they could leave now. They quickly picked up James and left the women to it.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

 

“Oh my – this so exciting. We’re gonna be dads.” Sirius was practically bouncing up and down on the chair he was sitting on and his face more looked like it belonged to a five-year-old on Christmas.

“Padfoot?”

“Yes, Moony?”

“Shut up before I let Peter stun you too.”

“Okay Moony.”

 

A few hours later, Lily was sleeping peacefully in the bed, with a likewise sleeping Harry James Potter safely in her arms. Peter had already gone home, James couldn’t stop beaming and Sirius and Remus did their best to convince him that it was not a good idea to get drunk now.

“We can go to the pub tomorrow, Prongs. You should really stay with your wife right now; don’t you think?”

“Well you’re probably right but I’m a dad. I can’t believe it. I’m a dad.”

He looked so happy that Sirius couldn’t help but keep smiling too. This was his family. This was where he belonged.

“Go on, Prongs. Go to bed, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

They said their goodbyes and left the house.

“So, what are you up to, tonight?” Sirius asked.

“Not much. Why?”

“Well, I was wondering…fancy coming back to mine? We could drink some Butterbeer or so.”

“Padfoot, I –“

“Come on, Moony. Please?”

“Oh, alright.”

 

A few minutes later, they entered Sirius’ flat and –

“Finally Sirius, I was worried you’d –”

\- Sirius remembered that Remus hadn’t known of Regulus..

“Sirius? Why the hell is he doing here?”

“I – Moony, I can explain.”

“Oh, can you, now?”

“Yes. Er – Reg, could you leave us alone for a moment? Right, so he’s helping us, Moony. And he’s hiding here because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Right. And that is since –”

“Two months. But –”

“Two months? You’re living with your brother, whom you thought to be a Death Eater or dead, for _two months_ and you don’t tell us?”

“I – James and Lily know, but –”

“Oh, of course. Well this is peachy. Say, Sirius, when have stopped trusting me? Why all these secrets?”

“Whoa, that’s rich coming from you! Remus Lupin, the fucking king of secrecy!”

“That is different –”

“Is it? How is it different?”

“I swore to Dumbledore not to tell anyone where I was going!”

“Well and maybe I swore to my brother not to tell anyone, either! Maybe I don’t want him to be dead! You’re accusing me of not trusting you, but you don’t trust me either, or else you would at least tell me who the fuck almost fucking killed you!”

“It’s none of your business!”

“But it bloody well is! I risked my neck for you! I would have fucking died for you and you don’t even bother to say goodbye! Peter was right, you’re never there when something happens”

“What are implying?”

“Nothing.”

Sirius was mentally slapping himself for running his mouth again, hoping against hope that Remus would not connect the dots but –

“Wow.”

\- that would have implied that Remus was stupid. Which he wasn’t.

Remus stepped back, his face blank but his eyes – his eyes were wide and burning with a fire so powerful Sirius had to force himself not to look away, and when he spoke, Remus’ voice was cold and low, “You really are your mother’s son after all.” And with that he was gone.

“FUCK!”


	13. You’ll Always Be Part Of My Patched – Up Patchwork Taped – Up Tape – Deck Heart

**Remus**

One year later, things were going steeply downhill.

Dumbledore had sent him on more missions to win some werewolves for their side and he had gotten used to getting half killed by now. He had stopped long ago to take a closer look at all of his new scars and found that he wouldn’t even mind so much if some day one of those fight did end fatal for him. He hadn’t talked to Sirius since that last fight in his flat and Remus had had to practically force himself to go and visit Lily and James. They had not talked about the fight and it seemed to Remus that they had not even had an idea of Sirius’ accusations, Remus certainly wouldn’t enlighten them.

But hey…at least he had his own place. It wasn’t much but it was better than sleeping under a bridge like he had done the first couple of months.

Now, he had just gotten back from yet another full moon with a local pack, there was nothing he wanted more than a hot bath and loads of sleep.

 

_Hello Remus,_

_Thank you so much for Harry’s present. He’s obsessed with his play wand and he really likes the books you send him. I read to him every night and he actually falls asleep._

_James and I really miss you and hope that you’re well. Please write, when you are back so we can meet up for a cup of tea. There is so much we need to catch up to._

_I’m not sure if you’ve heard but the Prewett brothers are dead. The funeral will be sometime next month. I just wish I could visit Molly, she must be devastated to lose her brothers, but of course I can’t leave the house. James is going mad because of all the precautions that must be met, poor boy. I think he misses to cause trouble with you boys even more than anything else._

_Please write soon_

_Love_

_Lily_

Remus read Lily’s letter with a faint smile on his lips. Despite everything that has happened, she never changed her behaviour towards him. Remus loved her for that.

_I miss causing trouble with them, too._

He knew that, even if they all survived this war, things would never be the same again. He hadn’t seen Peter since Harry’s birth, Sirius thought he was a traitor, and Lily and James had to hide because Voldemort wanted them dead for some unknown reason. They weren’t the only ones, though. Alice and Frank Longbottom had gone into hiding too but Remus wasn’t sure if it was because of the same reason or just for precautionary measurements. Remus knew, that Dumbledore had convinced Lily and James to cast the Fidelius Charm to hide them, he also knew that James would insist on Sirius being their secret – keeper.

Sighing, Remus began to write an answer.

 

_Hello Lily,_

_You’re welcome and I am very glad to hear that Harry liked his presents. I can’t wait to see you all again, I’m sure I won’t recognize the boy after so much time._

_I am sorry to hear about Fabian and Gideon. They were good people and excellent wizards and this war takes far too many lives. I’ll make sure to visit Molly and pass on your condolences._

_I, too, miss you all terribly and I would love to catch up. Please tell me, when and where and I’ll be there._

_Love_

_Remus_

He quickly bound the letter to the leg of Lily’s owl and sent it on its way back to Godric’s Hollow.

* * *

 

**Sirius**

“Pads! So glad you came,” James said happily. He gave Sirius a quick hug, before letting him in.

“Good to see you too, mate. Now, where’s my birthday boy?” Sirius went up to Harry and picked him up to place a kiss on his forehead.

“Merlin I swear he gets heavier every time I see him.”

“That’s what children do, Sirius,” Lily called laughing as she entered the living room.

They all sat down and Lily gave Sirius a cup of tea.

“How’s living undercover?” Sirius asked.

“Booooring.” James complained.

Sirius grinned, “I’m sure it is, Prongs. I’m sure it is. So much time for shagging and doing nothing.”

“Oh yes, the sex is great, really.”

“James!”

James and Sirius grinned at each other while Lily shook her head in disbelief.

“Anyway, how are things out there?”

“Not good.” Sirius mood dropped immediately. “We’ve lost half of our people in three years and it seemed like Voldemort even _gains_ followers. It’s shit.”

“Sirius!”

“Sorry, Lily. So, yeah. It’s not good and I’m not sure what Dumbledore has planned. Merlin, I’m not even sure he has a plan in the first place.”

“Of course he does. He’s Dumbledore.” Sirius has always been impressed by the faith Lily had in Hogwarts’ Headmaster. He wished he could say the same of himself.

“I was thinking…” Sirius began, “About the Fidelius Charm. Maybe you should pick someone else as Secret – Keeper.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m just saying. I’ve had people following me for the last couple of weeks now. Don’t worry, they don’t know I’m here, but you know…I’m the obvious choice. Shouldn’t it be more someone they wouldn’t expect?”

“Like who? Remus?”

Sirius grimaced. He didn’t like thinking about Remus. “Peter.”

“Peter? Why him? Nothing against Peter, I mean, he’s our friend and all, but…”

“He’s weak and scared?”

“Yeah”

“Exactly,” Sirius agreed, “That’s my point. Nobody would go after him because nobody would think you’d be so stupid to choose him. It’s brilliant.”

Lily and James looked at Sirius like they didn’t exactly share his definition of ‘brilliant’.

“Why not Remus, though?” Lily asked.

“I don’t trust him,” Sirius admitted reluctantly.

“Why would say that?,” she asked.

James frowned but said nothing.

“I’m not sure, I just…don’t. Didn’t you ever notice how he never seems to be affected when something happens? He’s never here. He’s never had to fight them while we’re risking our lives every bleeding day. «

“Now, you stop right there, Padfoot. What are you saying? That you believe Moony’s the rat?” James asked. His voice was calm but there was dangerous fire in his eyes.

“It’s a possibility.”

“It’s bullshit, is what it is and you know it! This isn’t about Remus; this is about _you_!”

“Me? How is this about me?” Sirius asked confused. He expected James to answer but it was Lily that sat Harry down to stand up.

“You’re so full of shit, Sirius Black! How dare you accuse Remus of being a traitor? How dare you? He is risking his life out there just as much as us! How d’you think he got all those new scars? This is about _you_ , Black, because _you_ are head over heels in love with him but you’re too much of an idiot to see it, let alone admit it, so now you just accuse him of betraying you because it is so much easier, isn’t it? It’s so much easier to hate him than to apologize for being a twat and to tell him how you feel, but let me tell you something: I’ve had it with you and you’re _easy_! Life is not easy! Love is not easy! And you will go out there now, and you will find Remus, and then you will collect you fucking Gryffindor balls and tell him that you love him, and you will fall down on your knees and beg him for forgiveness. Is that clear?”

Sirius just sat there and stared at Lily. His mouth felt dry and his brain empty. Highly intimidated he glanced to James.

“Hate to tell you so, mate, but she’s right.”

Finally, Sirius found his ability to speech again, “Oh, great Prongs. Hell of a good mate you are. You’re supposed to back me up here.”

“No, Sirius. You need to grow up. I can’t believe you could actually think that Remus –” James broke off. He shook his head, his eyes spoke of disappointment and suppressed anger and that was probably even worse than Lily’s lecture. He didn’t want James to be angry with him.

“James, look, I’m sorry okay? You’re right. You’re both right, I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t doubt him, it’s just, Peter said –”

“Don’t fucking drag Peter into this, now. It’s _you_ , Sirius. _You_.”

Sirius looked from Lily to James and back to Lily. Their faces were hard and merciless and the worst part was that somewhere deep inside, Sirius agreed with every word they said.

“Right,” Sirius said, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. “Right. I should go.” And without another word, he stormed towards the fireplace and went home.

* * *

 

**Remus**

Despite his worries and insecurities, meeting with James and Lily had been an excellent idea. They had a genuinely good time and Remus had been thrilled to see little Harry again. What was even better, was the news, Lily had just told him.

“You’re going to be a godfather.”

Remus gaped at her, not quite grasping the meaning of her words.

“What do y- wait – you’re pregnant?” he asked and Lily nodded eagerly.

“And…you want _me_ to be the godfather?”

“Obviously. Sirius can’t be godfather to all our children. At least one of them has to have some sense,” James said and he, too, smiled widely.

They talked some more about children and parenthood and James asked if Sirius had spoken to him yet.

“No, why would he?” Remus asked in return and both James and Lily looked angry and sad by his response. Remus frowned but otherwise ignored their question. Thinking about Sirius hurt.

Later that day, Lily brought Harry upstairs, and James seemed to deem that as an opportune moment for another attack, “Do you love him?”

“Who?”

“You know ‘who’?”

They looked at each other for a long moment before Remus sighed and said, “Does it matter?”

“Just answer the damn question, Remus.”

“For the love of – yes, James. I do. I love him, I – I always have. Happy now?”

Apparently, he was. James nodded with a strangely grim satisfaction and they didn’t speak about Sirius for the rest of the day. Remus, however, couldn’t forget his own words. He had never said it before. He hadn’t even dared to think it but now it was said and he couldn’t take it back.

_Damn you, James._

Because, really this was all James’ fault. And Sirius’, obviously. And maybe his own. But only maybe.


	14. And I Pray

**Sirius**

It was Halloween and it had been raining all day.

Sirius sat grumpily in his flat and drank Butterbeer. He felt terribly lonely and tried to keep himself from doing something stupid like visiting Remus. James’ and Lily’s words echoed through his head over and over again and he couldn’t help but agree with them. He was a pathetic coward.

The growing of thunder sounded in the distance.

Suddenly a doe appeared in the middle of the room and Sirius almost dropped the bottle of Butterbeer. Lily’s Patronus was a doe, and if she sent it, that meant something had happened.

“Pettigrew is the spy.”

At the sound of Snape’s voice, Sirius did drop the bottle and spat out. He needed a moment before realizing what it had said.

_Pettigrew is the spy._

“OH, THAT FUCKING RAT!”

Furious, Sirius jumped to his feet. He wanted to rip him apart. He wanted to burn him alive.

“That bloody, treacherous, coward! I’m going to kill him! I –” Sirius halted, eyes wide in shock.

_Peter is the Secret – Keeper._

He felt sick.

_How could he do this us? How could I suggest him? How could I be so stupid?_

His whole body was shaking when he tried to cast a Patronus to warn Lily and James. He needed three attempts until a huge, shaggy wolf appeared in front of him, “Peter’s the spy. Get out of there, now!”

He sent two other Patroni to Remus and Dumbledore before he Apparated to Godric’s Hollow.

The street was dark and silent, Sirius shuddered and hurried towards the house when suddenly, he heard a massive explosion. The windows of the second floor of the Potter’s Cottage burst into thousands of pieces.

“NO!”

Sirius ran.

The door was still open and the only sound now, was the crying of a baby.

_Harry!_

Sirius had no idea how he had managed to get up the stairs, he didn’t remember entering Harry’s room, everything was a blur and as he stood in the doorframe the only clear thing were Lily and James, lying on the floor in front of Harry’s bed. There was a third person, lying on the floor but Sirius payed them no attention, all he could see were his friend’s motionless bodies.

“No, no, no, no.”

His knees hit the floor. Sirius felt teas, hot and burning, running down his face but he didn’t feel anything else. He was numb. Empty. Dead.

“S – Sirius.”

He registered that there was voice, calling his name but he didn’t turn around. It didn’t matter. Crawling on all fours, Sirius crossed the room and wrapped his arms tightly around James. His face was pale and covered in dust, his eyes were closed.

“Sirius.”

Sirius closed his eyes.

 _It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real_ , he thought over and over again because when he just believed in it hard enough, it would be true. He clutched tighter to James’ body and – snapped his eyes open. He gaped at James.

“He – he’s breathing. He’s breathing. He’s alive!” he shouted out.

He still had no idea who it was that stood behind him but they seemed to understand because he could hear the words, “ _Expecto Partonum_.” and somehow the voice was so familiar that he felt like he should know it by heart but that didn’t matter now either because James was alive and he would not let him die.

* * *

 

**Remus**

_Peter is the spy._

Remus didn’t want to believe it. It just couldn’t be true but when he had reached the Potter’s Cottage, when he had entered Harry’s room, he knew it was true.

The house was in ruins, Harry’s room looked like a bomb had exploded and in a way it had. Severus Snape had lain in the middle of the room, dead. Only a few steps behind him, Lily and James.

They had been lucky, according the Healers. Apparently, Snape and Voldemort had both cast the Avada Kedavra at the same time, the spells had hit each other and caused an explosion.

Voldemort was gone. Snape was gone, too.

Lily and James were in St. Mungo, and Sirius and Remus both refused to go home. They couldn’t leave their friends. Remus sat outside the room on a hard chair in the corridor, Harry on his lap, while Sirius was still inside and stared at James’ face. When he came out of the room, he stopped and looked at Remus, searching for words.

“Moony – ” he began but cut himself off. He closed his eyes and Remus couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

Slowly, Sirius approached Remus and Harry. Remus stayed silent. He didn’t know what to say and he was sure that Sirius was just working up the courage to put his thoughts into words and he didn’t want to interrupt him. Suddenly, Sirius fell down on his knees, right in front of Remus, he was crying, not even trying to hide it, and looked Remus in the eyes.

“Remus, I am so, so sorry. I should have never doubted you. Never. I knew you weren’t the traitor. Deep down I knew that but I blamed you anyway because – because I love you so much. It scares the shit out of me, because you are the person that can break my heart. I love you, Moony. I love you now and I loved you back then. I always will.  And I was so stupid for never doing anything about it.”

“Why now? What changed?” Remus Hadn’t meant for his words to sound so cold and his heart broke a bit when he saw the flinch in Sirius face.

“Everything. If Lily and James…if they die…” he choked back a sob, “I can’t lose you too, Moony. I need you.” It was the rawness of his voice told Remus that that was true. Sirius was broken. He didn’t have any strength left to hide his fears, his pain or any other of his feelings. But still, “Harry, needs you.”

“Us. Harry needs us. I can’t do this on my own. Please, Remus, please don’t leave.”

Out of an impulse, Remus raised a hand and stroked Sirius head. It wasn’t much of a gesture but it felt like the world. He bent forward and placed a gentle kiss onto Sirius forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere, and Lily and James are not going to either, okay?”

They sat like that for minutes or maybe hours. Sirius’ head in his lap, Sirius’ arms wrapped around his legs, and Harry sleeping in his arms.

“You’re still here, then? Have you talked to Dumbledore?” Emmeline asked, as she came down the corridor. Remus had called her immediately after Sirius had announced that James was still alive. If they survived, it would be thanks to her.

 _When._ Remus reminded himself. _When they survive._

“No. Not yet. But I know that Sirius has send him a message as soon as he knew what was happening.”

Emmeline nodded as a sign that she understood, “Well, are you going to stay here all night?”

“We’re not going anywhere, Ems, “Remus said.

“Calm down. I wasn’t going to send you away, merely offering you a more comfortable place than the corridor,” she smiled at them and led them a few rooms down the corridor.

“You can stay here for the night, although I’m positive that there won’t be much change. We still have to figure out what exactly happened to them. We’re fairly certain that they were not hit by any spell, they’re just…not there, so it seems. Anyway. Goodnight, you two.”

Emmeline left the room and Remus was happy that he could sleep in a real bed for the night.

“Can I hold Harry?” Sirius asked almost sheepishly. Remus smiled and gave Harry to his godfather. Sirius’ face immediately lit up, when he looked at the sleeping child and Remus had to smile. It was nice to see that he might not be completely broken after all.

“Good night, Padfoot.”

“Good night, Moony.”

 


	15. It Happens To Be True (I Only Wanna Be With You)

**Sirius**

It had been five months since Voldemort was gone, and Lily and James were out of hospital by now. It was still unknown what had been wrong, but as far Sirius was concerned that was utterly unimportant. What mattered was that they were alive and well.

If he believed James’ and Lily’s side of the story (which he did), Sirius’ Patronus had arrived only moments before Voldemort, so that they had had no time to flee. To their surprise, Voldemort had been followed by Snape who had apparently wanted to save Lily.

“He just – he stepped between us and said ‘you promised not to hurt her. You swore. I won’t let you’ and Voldemort just laughed at him and said something about how weak he was and that his love wouldn’t save me and then they both raised their wands. I don’t know what happened after that,” Lily had told them.

It was hard for Sirius to believe that Snivellus – _no, Severus Snape_ – had sacrificed himself to save Lily, and with her also James and Harry. No one thought of him as a Death Eater anymore, but as a hero. Millicent Bagnolt, the Minister of Magic, had even awarded him the Order of Merlin, First Class.

To Sirius’ unease and anger, Peter Pettigrew had not been captured but, with the help of Regulus, a lot of other Death Eaters that would have otherwise stayed unpunished. Sirius had been thrilled to read in the Prophet that his cousin Bellatrix was under the arrested people. Besides Bellatrix and her husband; Lucius Malfoy, Antonin Dolohov and Fenrir Greyback had been arrested and convicted for various crimes.

However, today, Sirius was once again in St. Mungo and decided that he had seen the place more than enough for a lifetime. Or multiple lifetimes, really.

He, Remus, and James were waiting, along with a few other member of the Order, on the corridor, while Lily was giving birth to Harry’s little sister. James was just as nervous as he had been when Harry had been born, but this time they refrained from stunning him again.

“Oh Merlin, what if she looks like me? _Oh shit!_ What if she looks like Lily? What if she’s pretty? All the boys will be after her! What do I do, Pads? What do I do?” no one bothered to answer to any of James’ rambling and he didn’t seem to expect them to. After, what felt like hours, the door opened and a grinning Emmeline who was just about to leave the room, was almost run over by James.

One by one, they all went inside to see Lily and little Victoria who was completely oblivious to all the attention she was getting.

“A pretty girl, James. You better be careful,” Remus joked.

Lily snickered but James only groaned, “I will never let her leave the house. I’ll simply lock her in and feed her loads of chocolate and then she will be fat and happy and no boy will ever touch her.”

They all laughed at James desperate voice, which made James even more desperate.

“What? Are you scared that there will be some obnoxious toerag with glasses that will pursue her like you pursued me?” Lily asked in a mocking voice.

“I never – I did not pursue you. I wooed you.”

Lily snorted, “Hardly. I hated you,” she said rather convincingly but James just grinned at her and said, “Nah. You didn’t.”

“Nah. I didn’t,” Lily whispered and smiled back at her husband.

* * *

 

**Remus**

“So, what are you up to, tonight?” Sirius asked.

Remus raised an eyebrow, “Not much. Why?” Even though he already knew the answer.

“Well, I was wondering…fancy coming back to mine? I have Butterbeer.”

“You haven’t got anyone hidden there again, have you?” Remus asked jokingly. Of course he didn’t actually mean it and he was glad that Sirius didn’t think he had.

“Nah.”

“Alright then.”

They Apparated to Sirius’ flat and Remus was surprised to see how much it had changed since he had last seen it. Most of the furniture was gone and the flat looked suspiciously clean.

“Are you moving?” he asked.

“Maybe. Reg suggested that I could move in at Grimauldplace. He’s helping me cleaning the house and well…it’s stupid, really but…I was…kind of thinking…we could all life there together couldn’t we? You, me, James, Lily, the kids.” There as a faint blush on Sirius’ cheekbones and he quickly looked away.

“Wow. I don’t know what to say. You’ve really been thinking about this, haven’t you?”

They sat down and Sirius got out two bottles of Butterbeer, before he answered, “You sound surprised. I do think occasionally, you know. I’m not the same person I was back at school. None of us is. And yes, I have been thinking about this for quite a while now. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Moony. I can’t. I meant it when I said I need you. All of you.” Sirius looked honest and Remus was struck by how grown up he was. It was something he had never thought possible. “You never reacted to what I said.” Sirius suddenly stated.

Remus looked at him, questioning, not quite sure what he was referring to.

»I told you I loved you and you said nothing.” Sirius elaborated.

Remus blinked. He was taken aback by his apparent new, adult – Sirius. Of course he knew the answer to that question but he still hesitated, “Sirius. It’s been five years. Hasn’t it ever occurred to you that I have moved on?”

“Does that mean no?”

They stared at each other for a moment before Remus answered quietly, »I love you too. I suppose I always have and you know it.”

“No I don’t. You never said,” it wasn’t an accusation. Just a fact that Sirius stated. “And it has occurred to me. I should have talked to you a long time ago but I was scared to do the wrong thing, so I did nothing.”

“You never said it either.”

“No, I didn’t. I was so freaked out, when you wanted me to decide whether I was serious or not, and don’t you dare make a joke about that now, that the only way I knew to respond to that was by pushing you away. You were right. You were always right. I was a selfish, stupid twat that didn’t think for one minute how you might be feeling. I was scared of my myself. I knew that you’d be able to break me completely and I didn’t want you to have that power because it left me completely out of control. I thought – I thought if I just ended things with you, you know? Made them go back to the way they used to be, then those feeling would go away. But they never did. I still love you like I did when I was sixteen and it’s still scarier than anything any Death Eater in the world could ever do to me.”

When Sirius had finished, Remus was speechless. Instead, he tried to say all those things he had on his mind by wrapping his arms tightly around Sirius, kissing him hard.

At first, Sirius tensed under his touch but soon he relaxed and kissed him back. It was the best kiss Remus had ever had. It was hungry and passionate and playful but at the same time so full of love and dedication and Remus felt a single tear rolling down his cheek. When they finally parted, Sirius lips were red and swollen, and his hair looked ruffled.

Remus grinned at him and Sirius grinned back.

“Does that mean you’re giving me another chance?”

No, Padfoot I just wanted a reminder what it felt like, kissing you. Remus said sarcastically, “Of course that’s what it means. How could I not? You’re by far the most insufferable, most gorgeous, and most idiotic person I’ve ever met and I could add a thousands of other adjectives to that but I’d rather do something else, right now.”

They kissed again in between entangled limbs and loss of clothes.

Sirius grinned, “No objections there,” he whispered.


	16. In My Life (I Love You More)

**Sirius**

Five years later, Sirius woke up to bright rays of sunshine coming through the cracks of the curtains. He blinked a few times and turned around. Remus was lying next to him, still sleeping. He was as beautiful as ever, his skin pale in the morning sun; soft, brown hair falling into his forehead.

It had been five good years.

Just as he had hoped, they had all moved into Grimmauldplace although it really didn’t deserve that name anymore. Regulus and Sirius had managed to remove all the old portraits on the walls, even the one of their mother. They had cleaned every last corner of every room and painted the walls in warm, welcoming colours.

Remus and Sirius had moved on the first floor where they had a nice, large bedroom and Remus had his own study room full of books.

Lily and James were sleeping on the second floor while he children had the topmost landing all for themselves. Harry was sleeping in Sirius’ old bedroom and Victoria in Regulus’, and Sirius had never thought it possible that he should actually be happy in this house, but he was.

He was happier than he had ever been.

He was surrounded by his family, his friends, his mate.

He and James were still Aurors only that James was, by now, Head of the Auror Department. Lily had gone back to her job in St. Mungos and although she loved it, she had been thrilled when she had gotten a letter from Dumbledore the previous year, telling her that he was in ‘dire need of a new Potions Master’. As it turned out, teaching came naturally to Lily and it did her good to be away from all those ill and injured people. Remus, however had not had so much luck. At first he had tried to work in Muggle shops again but he had been so miserable that Sirius, James, and Lily had had to think of something. In the end, it had been Alice Longbottom that had had the right idea. She had come to Remus and asked him whether he could home-school her son, Neville and of course Remus had said yes on the spot. Now, he had his own little class that came to their home every day and sat downstairs at the kitchen table learning about basic magic stuff as well as some of the Muggle sciences. Obviously, Harry and Victoria were in his class, together with Neville, Ron, Ginny, Fred and George Weasley, and Draco Malfoy.

Draco was being raised by Regulus and his fiancé Tamara, a Muggle from Israel whom he had met while he had been traveling. After Lucius Malfoy had gone to Azkaban, Narcissa had had a mental breakdown and had been admitted to St. Mungos, while Reg and Tamara had taken care of Draco and had ended up adopting him. Sirius was glad that he and his brother were so close now, it seemed to make up for all the years they had lost and Draco was a great child although he and Harry did not get along quite as good as he hoped they would; they always seemed to be in some kind of competition of whom was better.

“Good morning, Padfoot.”

Sirius blinked. He hadn’t realised that Remus had woken up.

“Morning, Moony,” he said smiling and kissed his mate on the nose.

“We should probably get up. Vic’s going to come and get us anyway as soon as she’s awake,” Remus mumbled.

“You’re right we should,” Sirius agreed and shifted closer to Remus, “But I don’t want to.”

He gave Remus as suggestive kiss and the other man smiled, “Yeah, me neither,” he said before returning the kiss, quickly deepening it.

“Padfoot! Moony! Get up! Get up! It’s my birthday!” a small, black heard girl in a scarlet pyjama jumped onto their bed, forcing the couple to break apart.

“Good morning, princess. Is it your birthday today? Really? I had no idea. Moony, did you know that it’s her birthday today.”

“No Padfoot. I had no clue. But I guess that calls for celebration doesn’t it?” Moony asked Victoria who nodded eagerly, then she started screeching and laughing as both, Remus and Sirius began tickling her.

“Jesus Christ, it sounds like your trying to slaughter a pig in here,” James laughed as he entered the room. He looked like he had just stumbled out of bed, dressed only in a night gown, his hair even more of a hopeless mess than usual, and his glasses askew.

“Daddy!” Victoria shouted and climbed off the bed to run towards her dad.

“Hello my birthday girl.” James said and kissed her, “Come on, let’s see if we can wake up mum, shall we?” He carried her out of the room and before he closed the door again he threw his friends a very suggestive look and wiggled his eyebrows

“Right,” Sirius said, turning his attention back to Remus, “I believe we were in the middle of something.”

* * *

 

**Remus**

It was the 1st September, 1991.

Remus entered the King’s Cross Station together with Sirius, Lily, James, Harry and Victoria. They would be meeting Regulus, Tamara, Draco, Alice, Frank, Neville and the Weasley family at Platform 9 ¾.

Harry had been awake since 4 in the morning, he was so excited to finally go to Hogwarts and he was chattering non – stop. James was very quiet and Remus could tell that it was harder than he admitted to let Harry go. He couldn’t blame him. They all were so used to all the children in the house all the time, that the thought of them not being there was strange.

James had been made Minister of Magic, the previous year so that he had passed on his position as Head of the Department Magical Law Enforcement to Sirius. It was still odd to see both James and Sirius in such high positions where they had to be responsible and reasonable but they did fantastically. Like everything they did, being in charge was just another thing they excelled in.

“Cut it out, you big baby!” Lily said suddenly, hitting James on the arm.

Remus turned his head and saw that James eyes were suspiciously wet. He smiled sympathetically.

Victoria was walking between her parents, the perfect mixture of James and Lily; too clever for her own good and barely caring about consequences. Her hair was long and black, her eyes green like the eyes of her mother and brother but unlike Harry, she didn’t have to wear glasses.

Harry, too was a bright child. He was good at being sarcastic what they all blamed on Remus and had soon picked up on flying a broomstick, much to James’ pride.

When they arrived at the barrier, Harry’s excitement seemed to waver a bit.

“Alright there, kiddo?” Sirius asked. Harry nodded but his eyes told a different story, “I tell you what. We do it together, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Harry whispered and blushed slightly.

Sirius put his hands on Harry’s shoulders and together they ran towards the wall. Remus, James, Lily and Victoria followed and saw the Hogwarts Express, which was already waiting for them.

“There’s Ron!” Harry called happily and ran off to his friend. A few feet away stood in fact Ron with the rest of his family, the Longbottoms, and the Blacks.

“Watcher!” Sirius called out as they approached the group. The children began to talk excitedly about Hogwarts and Quidditch while the parent tried not to get too emotional.

“Alright then, Harry. Time to go, eh? Remember what I told you. Don’t pick a fight unless you know you’ll win. Don’t get caught when you break the rules and be nice to your mum.”

“Yes dad, I know. I won’t do anything you wouldn’t do,” Harry replied with a smile.

“That’s my boy.” James grinned and kissed Harry on the forehead.

Sirius and Remus said their goodbyes as well and the children got onto the train. They all waved as the train slowly won speed and Remus saw that James now had serious troubles holding back the tears.

“He’s gone, Pads. He’s gone.”

“I know, Prongs. But he’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And now stop crying or there’ll be a nice article about the sobbing Minister in the Prophet tomorrow. Really, I don’t know what they were thinking. But then again, I should have seen it coming, when they made you Head Boy. The beginning of the end, that’s what it was.”

“I thought my marriage was the beginning of the end?”

“Even I make mistakes, James. Even I.”

They bickered the whole way back, while the rest of the group slowly followed them.

“Boys,” Lily whispered. She shook her head and Remus smiled.

When they reached the carpark, Sirius and Remus got on Sirius’ motorbike, and James, Victoria and Lily into the car. They had to hurry up a bit because Lily still had to fetch her trunk from home before she flooed to her office in Hogwarts. Before she left, they all agreed on meeting up the next weekend.

She stepped into the flames and James, Remus, Sirius and Victoria were alone, they all were crying a bit now but everyone was happy.

Everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Find me on Tumblr =)](https://dreamworldvictim.tumblr.com/)


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